Sometimes I find that I ask too many questions such that they don’t know how to answer me. I realized now that when they don’t answer me, it may be because they don’t know the answer.
I need to learn to ask simple questions and say simple statements. And today I find that I am really too impatient to wait for answers. It’s easier to tell the solution. But I really need to ask myself what am I depriving them of?
Another thing I find myself also uncomfortable with is when others are not hapy with me. Its easier to be pal-ly with them than to have to enforce rules and bundaries. N really pushes your boundary a lot and one really have to be very firm to enforce the boundary. And SRW also pushes it a lot. He does it differently. He does not ask a lot of questions like N, but he keeps very quiet and do the things that he likes and want. What is he facing in school or at home that is making him so… always doing the things he wants. And what makes R so disrespectful? He threw the paper which I prepared for them on the floor today during groupwork. I felt trampled upon just like the paper he threw on the floor. I wanted to tell them about respect and make him and the other boys who followed him to take up the paper and continue to take down notes on it. In the end, I didn’t enforce it. Isn’t it a matter of learning style that they didn’t want to learn by taking down notes. If they do that the next time, how should I respond? Tell them that I appreciate it if they would respect even a piece of paper because it someone else has prepared it. And I would also respect them that they do not want to use the piece of paper or even write on it.
Every time I would find it such a challenge to this group of boys for groupwork. It’s hard to manage them in groupwork and have to deliver the point across at the same time. I just realized that if I do not manage one or 2 boys properly, it would set a bad standards for the other boys to follow. And if I let the wrong behavior passed without addressing it, others would also learn that this is permissible and would follow suit or even try to test their boundary.
On hindsight, I feel that to be able to continue to take on also gives me the opportunity to interact and to teach them. It allows me to continue to polish my skills and also to improve my rapport with them.
Another thing I realized today is that its not easy to do debrief. Especially to praise during debrief. Maybe I need to intentionally look for praises to praise. I’m naturally incline to criticize. To intentionally look for praises to praise, I would be able to praise more genuinely and authentically. Rather than trying to recall some praiseworthy actions from memory.
Being a social worker is tough (ok, all work is tough, I acknowledge that). Especially when you try to strive for congruence. It takes time to reflect upon some of these issues and after the reflection, the opportunity to respond to that particular child, youth or client is already over. I lose the chance to influence them. Maybe right now, it is as if I am sitting on a cushion full of pricks. When I meet with one situation, I got to reflect and learn. And as I learn and change, I got to change my position so that I can be more comfortable. I keep shifting my weight around and right now I am hardly in any comfortable position.
O God, it helps so much to write things down. It helps me to find my sense of equilibrium. I hardly find space to do it. In the office, I am so tempted to just do work and work. Office is not really a relax place. I cannot really relax and think there. Help me to find time and do this very very often.
And God I pray that you help me to grow as a person and as a worker. Many things I am still figuring out. I pray that you would inspire me with your word and your personhood what it is that I should do and what approach I should take.
Father, I recognize my inadequacy as a worker. Help me Lord God to manage and overcome. You are my Lord.
And God you know how bad I feel about not being able to stop a girl from going to abortion. You that my self-blame. Even though I do not want to blame myself, I also feel that I have a part to play. What are you saying about this my Lord? Please tell me what you are seeing from your view. Where does my effort stand? Have I make things worse?
It’s difficult to be growing. Difficult for me and also difficult for me to help my clients to be growing. Difficult and slow. But God, you are the one who makes things grow. Help me to grow O Lord.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
A Worker's Reflection
hey guys, this is going to be something technical abt SW. I rem I wanna use this blog to remember & journal Lucas growing up, and right now, I am gg to use it to remember and journal my growth as a social worker. Maybe 2-3 years down the road, I will laugh at my own thoughts. N maybe even use it to encourage new social workers!!!!!!!! =)
Took time off and went out with Kris today... Guess what we talked about.. SW stuff lo.. Sometimes I feel paisay to talk to them about SW, its like talking about work during off. But I guess we all need the space to talk and bounce ideas off..
What came out very strongly to me as we talk is really about boundary. How should we define our boundary and what should be the basis as we define our boundary? Perhaps this is my main struggle. Its actually comforting to know that Kris also struggles with it.
She was frustrated with her colleague who called her on her off day saying her client wanna speak to her. I cannot empathise with her frustration.Until, i receive a call from my client. I unwittingly gave my hp no. away to my youth once when i called her with my hp.. hmmm.. when i received her call, I felt stress up and i know that I was stress because I felt my muscles tensed up and breathing faster. Its like.. "oh no, work.." It was then I realised that boundary is for protection.
But then again, what is the standard for me to define my boundary with my clients? Do i use a different measure to define a different boundary with my youth clients?
Took time off and went out with Kris today... Guess what we talked about.. SW stuff lo.. Sometimes I feel paisay to talk to them about SW, its like talking about work during off. But I guess we all need the space to talk and bounce ideas off..
What came out very strongly to me as we talk is really about boundary. How should we define our boundary and what should be the basis as we define our boundary? Perhaps this is my main struggle. Its actually comforting to know that Kris also struggles with it.
She was frustrated with her colleague who called her on her off day saying her client wanna speak to her. I cannot empathise with her frustration.Until, i receive a call from my client. I unwittingly gave my hp no. away to my youth once when i called her with my hp.. hmmm.. when i received her call, I felt stress up and i know that I was stress because I felt my muscles tensed up and breathing faster. Its like.. "oh no, work.." It was then I realised that boundary is for protection.
But then again, what is the standard for me to define my boundary with my clients? Do i use a different measure to define a different boundary with my youth clients?
Friday, July 25, 2008
Half a blind bat
How does it feel being half a blind bat?
I shower myself with my eyes close, opening it occasionally only to see if its shampoo or conditioner I have taken. I can only feel my way around the bathroom and try to find the correct place where I hang my clothes. I use my finger to feel if its fork or spoon I have taken and realize that I still have taken the wrong one. I cannot sms most of the time because the lights from handphone is too bright for my eyes. Even though its one eye that is injured, but the other eye is suffering as well. It cannot really open except for a small slit occasionally because any major movement in the eye would affect the injured eye making it painful. As I typed this, I thank God that I do not need to move my eye too much as my fingers are trained and skilled at the keyboard. I only need to focus on the monitor making sure that I typed correctly. Every 2-3 minutes I still need to close my eyes for a rest.
Most of the time, its my touch senses I am depending on. Without the ability to use sight is quite a peaceful world. its not that distracting. Guess how much I slept? Came back from doctor at 5pm, slept till 545pm for my medication, sleep again till 645pm for medication, sleep again till 745pm for medication and dinner, sleep again till 845pm for medication, this happens every one hour interval till 12mn. Then I still sleep like a log till this morning 8am. Then I took my medication and slept till 11am. Till I decided that its too much. The doctor had wanted to give me sleeping pills cos he is worried that I would feel too much pain to fall asleep, but I insisted against it. Its more painful at night, but I don’t think sleeping pills is the way. I took panadol in the end.
Without being able to see most of the time, I really feel more peaceful. Though I am so assured that I will recover in about 1 week. To give up my sight forever for such peace, no way.
The first hour it happened, it was frustrating. Then it was scary. The thought of never being able to see with one eye again. Actually, part of me also knows that it’s the idea of being imperfect physically that scares me.. not that I am perfect, but such a obvious imperfect is hard to accept.
Sorry I have not mentioned what happened to me. I injured my right eye and is suffering from cornea abrasion.
I shower myself with my eyes close, opening it occasionally only to see if its shampoo or conditioner I have taken. I can only feel my way around the bathroom and try to find the correct place where I hang my clothes. I use my finger to feel if its fork or spoon I have taken and realize that I still have taken the wrong one. I cannot sms most of the time because the lights from handphone is too bright for my eyes. Even though its one eye that is injured, but the other eye is suffering as well. It cannot really open except for a small slit occasionally because any major movement in the eye would affect the injured eye making it painful. As I typed this, I thank God that I do not need to move my eye too much as my fingers are trained and skilled at the keyboard. I only need to focus on the monitor making sure that I typed correctly. Every 2-3 minutes I still need to close my eyes for a rest.
Most of the time, its my touch senses I am depending on. Without the ability to use sight is quite a peaceful world. its not that distracting. Guess how much I slept? Came back from doctor at 5pm, slept till 545pm for my medication, sleep again till 645pm for medication, sleep again till 745pm for medication and dinner, sleep again till 845pm for medication, this happens every one hour interval till 12mn. Then I still sleep like a log till this morning 8am. Then I took my medication and slept till 11am. Till I decided that its too much. The doctor had wanted to give me sleeping pills cos he is worried that I would feel too much pain to fall asleep, but I insisted against it. Its more painful at night, but I don’t think sleeping pills is the way. I took panadol in the end.
Without being able to see most of the time, I really feel more peaceful. Though I am so assured that I will recover in about 1 week. To give up my sight forever for such peace, no way.
The first hour it happened, it was frustrating. Then it was scary. The thought of never being able to see with one eye again. Actually, part of me also knows that it’s the idea of being imperfect physically that scares me.. not that I am perfect, but such a obvious imperfect is hard to accept.
Sorry I have not mentioned what happened to me. I injured my right eye and is suffering from cornea abrasion.
Boundary
How has this week been in the office? The youths are really a joy to be around. Its so easy to be with them. I guess they are my cup of tea. Seriously, I have been helping youths since the age of 19, about 7 years from now. How can I survive if I don’t enjoy them? But there are still a lot of challenges. My colleagues and I have to fight for the boundary that we want to set for our youths. Who do we see acceptable in the program? Who do we see as not acceptable. Among those who are not acceptable, how can we reach out to them personally.
There has been influx of youths and children coming to our centre recently. I remember once I see about 10 over children coming to our centre and they automatically come help themselves to the water that was meant for the youth. I felt intruded and I was upset with them. Then I had to hold my upsetness and politely ask them to ask for permission the next time round. And then I have to invite them away. I feel that this boundary to protect is a hard one. Because we are the roof garden and quite a open space, many people would come in out of curiosity. We just had to work harder at playing the gate keeper.
These 2 days at Kidstart! (the children’s program), I find the children more responsive and slightly better behaved. I realized that I feel better about myself. I think I still tie how I esteem myself to how the kids behaved. I rem Kris told me that I do not have to place my worth in the hands of the kids, but its easier said than done. Anyway, this will take time to learn.
I also realized this week that R is responding better toward me already. He seems to listen better to instructions right now. Though I wish that he would spend more time studying instead of playing games, but I am thankful that he is not disturbing others with his play and that others are not following him.
Sy still likes to do his own things and its hard to get him to listen. But its ok. I think he feels left out of the group. Other boys like dancing and they are pretty good at that, but I don’t think he likes it. So I think he felt left out of the group. Maybe that is what is causing him to act this way. Anyway, thank God for this revelation that leads me to be able to have more patience and grace while handling him.
There has been influx of youths and children coming to our centre recently. I remember once I see about 10 over children coming to our centre and they automatically come help themselves to the water that was meant for the youth. I felt intruded and I was upset with them. Then I had to hold my upsetness and politely ask them to ask for permission the next time round. And then I have to invite them away. I feel that this boundary to protect is a hard one. Because we are the roof garden and quite a open space, many people would come in out of curiosity. We just had to work harder at playing the gate keeper.
These 2 days at Kidstart! (the children’s program), I find the children more responsive and slightly better behaved. I realized that I feel better about myself. I think I still tie how I esteem myself to how the kids behaved. I rem Kris told me that I do not have to place my worth in the hands of the kids, but its easier said than done. Anyway, this will take time to learn.
I also realized this week that R is responding better toward me already. He seems to listen better to instructions right now. Though I wish that he would spend more time studying instead of playing games, but I am thankful that he is not disturbing others with his play and that others are not following him.
Sy still likes to do his own things and its hard to get him to listen. But its ok. I think he feels left out of the group. Other boys like dancing and they are pretty good at that, but I don’t think he likes it. So I think he felt left out of the group. Maybe that is what is causing him to act this way. Anyway, thank God for this revelation that leads me to be able to have more patience and grace while handling him.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Go Forth
Fantastic!! Excellent!! Eye-opening!!! Chim conference...
Spending my last 3 days at the conference was a great time of learning. No doubt it was very tiring, and sometimes I fell asleep during the conference, but its still a very good conference..
It really open my eyes to the big world out there. Now as i read the bible, its no longer just me and God. But me, God and the world which God has created. Suddenly, I know that I was just a child in the things of God. And the conference open my eyes to the world out there and initiating me to teenage-hood.
I remember a prophecy told of me, "You are young in the faith, though you are not that young as a Christian...You leave the big things aside and think that those belong to the adults. You can grow, but you need to embrace growth...". That makes so much sense now. I need to involve myself in the things that God is doing in the world, and not just be happy in my la-la land. Some things may be enormous and they may seem like they belong to those spiritual giants, but I need to be involved in those matters. I cannot adopt a bo-chap attitude or a "as long as they dont bother me attitude".
Some lessons learnt:
1. Missions has a long history that had been entangled with colonialism. Super powers in the past colonised Asian countries and preach the gospel to us. They hold sword in one hand, and bible in the other hand. We, Asian, cannot resist the super power of the west and had to bow down to them. We submit politically. Yet we are angry. And the colonial rulers tried to preach the gospel to us and change us to become like them. They may take control of our country, but they cannot away our national identity. And so people become more and more angry. Bitterness and wrath toward the "ang moh" religion happened as a result. If only the colonial rulers were more careful and thoughtful about the ways they do things. If only there were more humility and love. Christ did not come to change culture. He was born into a culture and adopt the culture of the Jews. He was humble and lived among them.
2. Today, missions has another challenge. No longer is colonialism a problem. But something else that look familar to colonialism. Super economical power came into Asia and look so much like colonialism. Perhaps it brought back for the Asians past memories and fears of colonialism. A fear that behind the facade of economic advancement, its actually an attempt to take over the land. A fear that behind the promise of prosperity, its an attempt to corrode the national identity and culture.
3. Hence the way to approach countries who have been hurt by such painful memories of war and having been robbed away of national pride for many years, the way to resolve bitterness is really to love them. As a nation, they are hurt and they need healing.
Singapore may not feel so much of this cultural threat. In the first place, Singaporeans like me take pride in being a mix. I am uniquely Singapore when I am Chinese with roots in China, and yet trunks, branches, leaves, fruits growing in another island. I am neither Eastern nor Western. I am Singaporean, hua ren. One day, I shall return to my roots...
Are you following me so far? This is just my thought on 1 day of the conference. Haha! I have others! This is an appetiser for those who want to know more. And a main course for those who feel that they have had enuff =)
Thank you my dear Lord!!!!!!
And not forgetting, one good thing is I can only go for 3 workshops, but I have friend going for other workshops, so we can exchange notes! haha.. And i help her take lecture notes for those main messages that she missed. Its so much like Uni days =)
Spending my last 3 days at the conference was a great time of learning. No doubt it was very tiring, and sometimes I fell asleep during the conference, but its still a very good conference..
It really open my eyes to the big world out there. Now as i read the bible, its no longer just me and God. But me, God and the world which God has created. Suddenly, I know that I was just a child in the things of God. And the conference open my eyes to the world out there and initiating me to teenage-hood.
I remember a prophecy told of me, "You are young in the faith, though you are not that young as a Christian...You leave the big things aside and think that those belong to the adults. You can grow, but you need to embrace growth...". That makes so much sense now. I need to involve myself in the things that God is doing in the world, and not just be happy in my la-la land. Some things may be enormous and they may seem like they belong to those spiritual giants, but I need to be involved in those matters. I cannot adopt a bo-chap attitude or a "as long as they dont bother me attitude".
Some lessons learnt:
1. Missions has a long history that had been entangled with colonialism. Super powers in the past colonised Asian countries and preach the gospel to us. They hold sword in one hand, and bible in the other hand. We, Asian, cannot resist the super power of the west and had to bow down to them. We submit politically. Yet we are angry. And the colonial rulers tried to preach the gospel to us and change us to become like them. They may take control of our country, but they cannot away our national identity. And so people become more and more angry. Bitterness and wrath toward the "ang moh" religion happened as a result. If only the colonial rulers were more careful and thoughtful about the ways they do things. If only there were more humility and love. Christ did not come to change culture. He was born into a culture and adopt the culture of the Jews. He was humble and lived among them.
2. Today, missions has another challenge. No longer is colonialism a problem. But something else that look familar to colonialism. Super economical power came into Asia and look so much like colonialism. Perhaps it brought back for the Asians past memories and fears of colonialism. A fear that behind the facade of economic advancement, its actually an attempt to take over the land. A fear that behind the promise of prosperity, its an attempt to corrode the national identity and culture.
3. Hence the way to approach countries who have been hurt by such painful memories of war and having been robbed away of national pride for many years, the way to resolve bitterness is really to love them. As a nation, they are hurt and they need healing.
Singapore may not feel so much of this cultural threat. In the first place, Singaporeans like me take pride in being a mix. I am uniquely Singapore when I am Chinese with roots in China, and yet trunks, branches, leaves, fruits growing in another island. I am neither Eastern nor Western. I am Singaporean, hua ren. One day, I shall return to my roots...
Are you following me so far? This is just my thought on 1 day of the conference. Haha! I have others! This is an appetiser for those who want to know more. And a main course for those who feel that they have had enuff =)
Thank you my dear Lord!!!!!!
And not forgetting, one good thing is I can only go for 3 workshops, but I have friend going for other workshops, so we can exchange notes! haha.. And i help her take lecture notes for those main messages that she missed. Its so much like Uni days =)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Innocence lost..?
Over the weekend, i went back to the office and visited 2 families to settle a conflict between the children of these 2 families and also the police station. I was basically following my supervisor... Wah! Great stuff to learn as I observe her. Both interpersonal skills, and also proper procedure to manage a crisis.
Funny thing is we realised the 2 families were actually neigbors, and after visiting one family, we stood outside the house of the next and called him asking, "Is it convenient for us to visit you?... So we will see u in 10mins time." While all these time we were waiting outside the house and at his neighbours house. So we actully stood outside his place and chatted for awhile before we go in. Feel as if I am cheating my client.. oh well..
Anyway, after the home visit, some things didnt sit too well with me. Such as my supervisor's analysis of the cilent's son. What happened is this: He took a penknife and slash the other boy and we need to settle this on a management level. He has the history of bring weapon to the centre, and we took precaution by checking him everyday. That day I checked him, but he hid the penknife among the chairs and not in his pocket.
When the matter happened, I blamed myself for not knowing that he brough a penknife. I also felt betrayed because I had believed him.
I use to think that he was an innocent boy. Even after my sup's analysis of him as being a "deep" boy, I still cant bring myself to believe that he hurt others intentionally. Maybe even now, I still think that he could not control his anger and he hurt others out of self-protection.
But as I reflect on it, and some things that he said, I finally can acknowledge that he hurt others intentionally. Maybe what i could not still bring myself to accept it that a 11 yr old boy could do such a thing. Adults.. yes. Teens.. maybe. But children, I cant imagine. Maybe there is really such evil in the hearts of man..
Pls pray for me to have God's wisdom as I help this boy..
Funny thing is we realised the 2 families were actually neigbors, and after visiting one family, we stood outside the house of the next and called him asking, "Is it convenient for us to visit you?... So we will see u in 10mins time." While all these time we were waiting outside the house and at his neighbours house. So we actully stood outside his place and chatted for awhile before we go in. Feel as if I am cheating my client.. oh well..
Anyway, after the home visit, some things didnt sit too well with me. Such as my supervisor's analysis of the cilent's son. What happened is this: He took a penknife and slash the other boy and we need to settle this on a management level. He has the history of bring weapon to the centre, and we took precaution by checking him everyday. That day I checked him, but he hid the penknife among the chairs and not in his pocket.
When the matter happened, I blamed myself for not knowing that he brough a penknife. I also felt betrayed because I had believed him.
I use to think that he was an innocent boy. Even after my sup's analysis of him as being a "deep" boy, I still cant bring myself to believe that he hurt others intentionally. Maybe even now, I still think that he could not control his anger and he hurt others out of self-protection.
But as I reflect on it, and some things that he said, I finally can acknowledge that he hurt others intentionally. Maybe what i could not still bring myself to accept it that a 11 yr old boy could do such a thing. Adults.. yes. Teens.. maybe. But children, I cant imagine. Maybe there is really such evil in the hearts of man..
Pls pray for me to have God's wisdom as I help this boy..
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Lucas turned 2 =)
Lucas has turned 2 years old. He is in fact 25months old now =) Just want to share some pictures with all who know him and especially to those who love him.
Well, that day we went to eat at a pretty nice place. At least its where my parents and we like as well. Haha.. Not easy to find places that my parents like and we also like. Then we went home and cut a cake =) Look at him =) How we make him make a wish we also dunno...hahahaaa..
Been trying to cultivate in him the good habit of brushing teeth, but most time he ends up eating the toothpaste, sawllowing tapwater n trying to brush teeth for me.. I give up after awhile.. but ok, i will try harder again.. My parents r nt so keen in havin him brush teeth. they think he is too young for tt..
Lucas is beautiful. Beautiful not as in pretty. I see so much beauty in him. I see God's hand when I see Lucas. He helps me to unwind from a day of busy work. =) Love you Lucas. Ah yi loves you! God loves you!
Well, that day we went to eat at a pretty nice place. At least its where my parents and we like as well. Haha.. Not easy to find places that my parents like and we also like. Then we went home and cut a cake =) Look at him =) How we make him make a wish we also dunno...hahahaaa..
Been trying to cultivate in him the good habit of brushing teeth, but most time he ends up eating the toothpaste, sawllowing tapwater n trying to brush teeth for me.. I give up after awhile.. but ok, i will try harder again.. My parents r nt so keen in havin him brush teeth. they think he is too young for tt..
Lucas is beautiful. Beautiful not as in pretty. I see so much beauty in him. I see God's hand when I see Lucas. He helps me to unwind from a day of busy work. =) Love you Lucas. Ah yi loves you! God loves you!
Thoughts from a simple statement
"What do you want Lucas? Pick one and ah yi buy for you."
We were shopping at Plaza Singapura. As we walked past a cake shop, he stopped outside the cake shop and looking at the cakes with great interest. (Just like those children in the movie when they will looked at the shoes on display inside the shop with.. such a I-dont-know-how-to-express look on their face. You just know that they want the shoe badly.)
As I told Lucas to choose one and I will buy for him, my heart was overwhelm with a sense of privilege and blessings. Its a privilege that I can tell my loved ones that I can provide for them. How much an assurance and comfort must it be for those of us who have that assurance. And how much more a blessing that we are able to assure our loved ones of our ability to provide. I am thankful for that.
My thoughts go to many of the people I know who cannot even afford the daily necessities for their children. Dont even mention a piece of cake which is a luxury.
I am so thankful for my abled-body to be able to provide for my loved ones. Yet I need to remember and rely on God as the Jehovah Jireh...
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