Mental vs Emotions

Obey-Worship-Love. These three words are stuck in my head. and one night I actually cant sleep because I cant sense God's love. Because I believe that I cannot obey God in some areas, and therefore God cannot love me. For one moment, I actually feel that God has abandoned me.

Yes, the word there is "feel". I know mentally that God will not abandon me. But that night, I thought He does not love me anymore.. Somehow I feel cut off from emotions.. And i cant feel His love. And I cant sleep.. Its a scary feeling to be abandon by God. All security is gone, the purpose for existent is gone, and all the fundamentals that I have based my life on is gone. If I cannot feel God's love, then how can I go around telling people of God's love.. That would be hypocritical.

Cos I was meeting some Christ Church students the next day, I told God to help me minister to them. I cannot feel His love, but that does not mean I cannot talk about His love, and it does not mean I do not believe that He loves me. All I can do was to appeal on God's faithfulness to the girls and ask Him to minister to the girls, through me, even though I am an unfit vessel. I do not want to be a hypocrite talking about God cares for us when i cannot feel it. Yet mentally, I am still believing in that. I pray and ask God to be faithful to the girls and not let them suffer because I am suffering.. Wat a struggle between the mental and the emotions.

That night ended off with me reading the article on "God is the Shepherd" and reading all the verses on God's love.. Tt helps.. That helps me to at least be mentally assured that he loves ,e and I can sleep in peace at least for one night. I dunno wat happened tt night? Spiritual attack? Burn out? I guess its signs of burn out.. I have been working v hard.. Meeting after meeting, social meeting, work meeting, ministry meeting.. I am stretched.. I think one sign of burn out is that your emotions are really drained..cannot even feel God's love.

But I am better now.. thankful to God and Pastor John who counselled me..He taught me to recognized that God loves me not for wat I can do. Even when I cannot obey Him, He still loves me. Wat a simple truth we all know right? But to live it out is tough.. I have pride myself too much on wat I can do, and even unconsciously believe that God must be loving me because I am so good.. So how, I have become like the "righteous Pharisees". I am so so thankful that God has brought me back into His loving truth that He loves me. That I need to recognize that I am a Sinner loved by Him. And what He desire for me is not sacrifice, but mercy.. And He told me that only a sinner will know what mercy is.. Righteous people will not know mercy becuase they have not receive it from God. So now I know that God wants me to know that I am a hopeless sinner, whose only hope is in Him. and He wants me to know mercy..

I am still processing my thoughts.. All these truths are too wonderful for me to behold, must less write them down.. I cant express myself fully.. Maybe when I next blog, I will have further reflections on them..

To Her..

Have been talking to YJ periodically about some things.. Find it quite funny sometimes how we are similar and yet different.. And how in our situations we are encouraging one another.. Sometimes I dunno if we are encouraging one another to do the right thing or the wrong thing.. But nevertheless, when we talk, somehow the problems got minimized and then I find that thigns are nt tt bad after all. Thank you.. Somehow your perspective does matter to me. Your feel of my situations does contribute to my consideration.. I remember I was once too blind, too deaf to listen to you.. I may continue to be too blind, too deaf to listen to you.. but at times I still listen la.. haha..

This blog is dedicated for you.. I dunno how to make it sound sentimental enuff.. I cant stand mushy stuff.. So here you are..

Some Pics of Lucas

Yeejia say this is cute pic. i think so too.. I think its our best shot so far Lucas! =) He smile more naturally than me lo.. Hmm he so candid while I so fake can.. nxt time muz be more candid.. haha..


Say hi to Lucas people.. tt's him lying on my thighs.. sorry if u find this too "exposed". I mean I am at home n then I jus wanna show him lying on my thighs.. haha.. I am his biggest obstacle course! haha..=)

Well, he is a delight.. n perhaps my blog can become a diary of him growing up (secondary to my sis's friendsters tt is)

别人

是不是太执着,才会苦恼多.要是选择平平凡凡,烦恼就不会太多.和大家走的路一样,就不会有太多的闲言闲语.和大家有所不同所以才会惹来可怕的闲言.我的一生到地是为谁而活? (脑子里有许多别人对我说过的话,对我的要求,批评…好累.)

如果为自己,为什么我不敢做我想做的事. 如果为自己,为什么我需要去考虑别人的评价.如果为别人,我为什么那么不情愿.如果为别人,我为什么还会想到自己.我想我是要为自己生活,可是我没有办法不去想别人对我的看法.

再也许,如果我为耶穌而活,就能够有勇气面对所有的压力.可是为耶稣而活好辛苦.不要惊讶我也会说这样的话.因为我也只是人而已.是不是自己对神并不了解所以才会有那么多不必要的枷锁.耶稣说他来是要带给我生命,并且是丰丰富富的生命.可是为什么觉得活着好累.是我不了解丰丰富富的意义吗?我想是吧. 也许我想的太多了,我应该简简单单地过我的生活.

别人要说什么,关他的! 我有我的生活.我希望这不是自私的表现.我已经没有办法了.再烦恼下去,我会崩溃.我的思想需要放假.

请你给我你那丰丰富富的生命.
对不起,对你埋怨了那么多.请你原谅我.请你拯救我.你的名是我的依靠.在你里头,我可以安息.
对不起,我还学不会不去想别人对我的眼光.

Dear Girls...

Dear girls, as I was studying 2nd Timothy 3, Paul wrote that Timothy know about his teachings, his life, his purpose, his persections and so on.. It made me wonder if I have allowed you all to know my life. Maybe my teaching.. But how about my life, my purpose? Have I let you all seen it? Understand it?

Am I real to you? Do you know me or who I am? Paul also wrote that he is willing to share with the people not only the gospel but his life as well because they were so dear to him. When I share my life, I am worried that I may overwhelm you with the problems of "adults" (though all problems are essentially the same, whether you are adult or not.) I am worried that I may stumble you with the kinds of problem I am facing.. n sometimes, I just dunno how to share.. You are dear to me.. I only ask that when I share my difficulties with you, you will not be stumbled. Instead, look to God to deliver me, and ask God to help you look at them with the right perspectives.

have I expectations on you all? SURELY! Undeniably.. To claim that I love you all unconditionally and will not expect anything is to elevate myself to the level of God. Only God can do that.. I will make no such claims. My only expectation is that you love God.. Love God in all areas of yourlife and to ask God what delights His heart and what breaks His heart. As you do that, I feel my mission fulfilled, my effort worthwhile, my labor not in vain.. N i know that when you love God, you all will love me too.. =)

I pray that this expectations should not bring about pressure on you. At least not the same kind of pressure that a child suffers under a parent to achieve good grades.. God gives us time to grow, He shows us grace in our failings.. So be under His grace and patience and give yourself the time to grow. Do not be pressurized to be "perfect".

On the other hand, do not be slacken.. Do not take God's grace and patience for granted..I know some of you can be too easy with that and take God's grace for granted.. remember that God is not only Love, but He is justice and fairness as well..

What I like is this: God is not done with me, God is not done with you, God is not done with any of us. This gives me strength to be merciful to others who have offended me. This gives me hope that each of you will be more and more mature, growing in the likeness of Christ.

Dear girls, God made our paths to cross.. I dedicate this blog to each of you.. =)

Idealism

Jus responding to Santi: You are welcome.. Its my priviledge to be involve in your life somehow. Many times I have been less than adequate in my role, but I am always humbled as I remember that God is the one who works in all of us to complete His worksmanship. Cont to be reflective and consider what God is doing in your life..

Jus discover recently that I am a Idealist. Just wanna make it clear that perfectionist is not the same as idealist.. Idealist live out and live for their ideal, not willing to scumble to the reality of life and willing to pay the price for their ideal..

In what ways am I an idealist? I guess with my relationship with eddie. I am seeking after a ideal relationship, a perfect marriage.. In my job, I also wanna loook for the ideal job. Though the job may pay lesser, but I dun mind.. Its my ideal I am living for.. Sad to say, being an idealist pays.. It takes lots of courage to pursue your ideal and in the case of my job, my calling..

I rem how i struggled when i was considering to go into full time christian work. I was concern about the pay, I was concern about how others would think of me, I was concern about how i would feel around all my friends who are social workers. There was a lot of pressure.. But I chose to obey God and pursue my ideal.. Satisfaction, dream.. Thank God for giving me the courage to do tt.. Thank God for making me the idealist that I am. (My guess is there is an idealist living in everyone who dares to obey God, I am nt too sure.. jus a guess)

In my relationship with eddie, i am an idealist too.. I will not write much here here lest it satisfy the kapoism of many out there.. I just derive pleasure in depriving people of thay kick! haha.. For you who know you have the r/s with me, do come and approach me lo. I am open to share.. =)

What is needed most in my life right now? I think it would be courage to pursue my ideal.. Somehow I have an ideal life in mind, v blur now but I just need to ask God to make it v v clear to me. I am also timid. I need God to tell me clearly what it is so that I may pursue it with courage..

An ideal life could be a very simple life.. I guess my ideal life is not to live in the palace and become a princess tt sort of unrealistic thingy.. But an ideal life is where I know I truly belong.. There are many safe places that would look as if I belong.. to get a good job, to get married, to stay in Sg etc (not that I will reject all the above stated)... Jus to do the things that many people are doing.. Maybe those are the things that I can try n belong too, maybe its where I truly belong.. I dunno.. I need to ask God.. After asking Him, after searching deep within myself, I will find out where I belong.. To find my place in the puzzle of God, and to shine in the place where I belong..

Dear God, unveil to me the plans you have for me. Reveal to me your secrets. Lord God, you promised me that You would lead me to treasures stored in secret places and riches stored in darkness. Show me dear God. I want to find them, I know that these treasures and riches are stored in deep places in my heart where you have placed them.. Help me Lord