Faith vs Understanding

Speaking to Abang enlightened me on some of the struggles that I am experiencing. Change is awkward and requires a lot of energy. I hate to admit it, but I am affected.

I recognize some of the tension I feel within myself. Being able to recognize them helps me. To be able to identify the cause of the tension releases some tension.

Essentially, it boils down to what I think I want and what I really want. It is reflected in the little things in life, but it just irks me. The little bits build up into a huge tension. I need to be more true to myself and admit what I really want.

What do I really want in my life, job and relationships?

I thought I could be happy with what I have, and make do with what I like. But I think I am not.

When I was in Nav, everything seems so purposeful. Everything I do it contributing to the KOG. Right now, I spend about 10 hours of my day from Monday to Friday working and working but I don’t know what I am doing. Is what I am doing purposefully building up the KOG?

Then I read Ephesians 6:7. “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men.”
Perhaps now is the time to just keep serving the Lord without asking for the purpose, reasons or the returns. Just keep serving and loving.

I remember Joseph in the house of Potiphar as slave, in the prison as a prisoner and serving in the courts of Pharaoh. Nothing makes sense. All that he went through makes no sense to us limited in wisdom and understanding. Yet he went through the times serving whole-heartedly. Only at the end did he understand that he had to go through all that he went through to save his people from 7 years of famine. He had not depended on reasons or understanding to persevere in his trials.

My Lord, I am limited in wisdom and understanding. Your ways are higher than my ways and your wisdom higher than mine. I do not see many things but you see from the beginning to the end. Grant me not understanding but Trust in you. Grant me not knowledge but unwavering Faith. Grant me HOPE and PURPOSE in you. Grant me undying LOVE for you that your burden becomes my burden and your heartbeat my passion.

Thorn in the flesh

I have a thorn in my flesh. I did not ask God to remove it because I think He will not do it. Because He did not do it for Paul.

I hate this thorn. It’s very frustrating as you know that its there but yet you can’t remove it.

The thorn of pride, thorn of insecurities and others that I may not even know. They eat into me and hurt me daily. (Ok, maybe daily is quite exaggerated but recently it is frequent enough to qualify for daily.) They remind me of my weaknesses but I often forget about God’s grace which is sufficient for me. I see the thorns and forget the grace and power that is perfected in my weakness.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I plead with you Lord that you guard my walk with you. May the faith which you have placed in me become purer with the testing of each trial.

Adventure!

On my one hour bus journey to office today, i stumbled into an adventure!!!! And I had to blog about it! Haha!

An Indian man got up the bus and sat opposite me. Innocent enough, he sat opposite me for the next half an hour. Fir the first few minutes, I thought there was something strange about his pants. I wondered if he forgot to zip up his pants cos I thought I saw something unusual. But anyway, it was so insignificant that I dismissed it away. As I was casting my eyes around in the bus 10-15mins later, I saw that the unusual thing at the zipper area of his pants had grew! I tried to looked at his eyes, but he was wearing a red cap so his eyes was being blocked. Then I looked at his private part again. It has indeed grew!Oops, sorry maybe grow is not the right word. Enlarge is a better word.

I ascertain that he was a pervert who does this intentionally! I felt uneasy and unsafe. And I feel concern for the rest of the ladies beside me. By then it was nearing my stop. My nature told me to just get off the bus and forget about it. But 2 seconds later, I caught myself and felt that I had to do something about it! I am a social worker and I need to uphold social justice! haha! So i walk to the bus driver and informed him. That pervert saw me doing it and then got off the bus. Another passenger overheard me and told the bus-driver to tell the pervert off. I dont know what happened next as I just got down the bus. But the last I saw was that the pervert also got off the same stop as me! hmmm, i was afraid of being stalk by him! haha..

If i sound excited to you, pls dont get me wrong. I am not excited about meeting a pervert. But the fact that you have to deal with a pervert gives you an adrenaline rush that causes you to sound excited! haha..

I want to laugh at the pervert who tried to scare me! I think he just picked the wrong target! =)

getaways

I didn’t know it entailed so much. I thought it was just a simple getaway for the kids. Yet there are skills involved in the preparation too. I guess it is like this working with children. Every little thing counts.

Thank God for C who debriefed with me on all these. I learnt a lot today. Yet I am still at fault because I could have find out more. It was my first time leading a getaway for the children, I should have find out more from the rest. Yet again, I also wished that the rest could come and tell me more about what to expect and how to prepare. I don’t know who to blame for the outcome. Maybe there don’t need to have something or someone to blame. Yet the part about “I should have…” and “They should have…” keep lingering around.

I also wonder if the children are to be responsible for the disappointing event today. But I realized that if we can prepare them enough, then they might enjoy themselves more. Therefore it’s a shared responsibility perhaps.

Today I learnt:
1. I can find out more details from the organizing parties so that…
o I can prepare the children better as to what to expect.
o Advice the children on how they can prepare themselves for the program.
2. Prepare the children for the program by…
o Reminding them of good behaviors
o Reminding them to participate so that they can really enjoy the event.
o Convey my expectations to them of the above points.

Thank you Lord for your grace that helps me learnt an important lesson. Pray that the lessons the children learnt today would bring positive impacts in their lives and carry them for a long time to come.

Really, Lord, it’s not easy for me to be with the children. Strengthen me to embrace the challenge. Grant me a sensitive spirit that I may your message for them each day. In Christ’s name… Amen

Training.. Intimacy

Saw Jia's blog and click on the China girls' gymnastic. Wanted to cry when I see them train. I wonder if I am touched or sad. I still dont know. And sadly, I dont have time to dwell in that emotion and wonder what is it that clicks in my heart. Maybe its the fact that they reminded me of the circus training their animals. N to see the girls working so hard for a mere medal breaks my heart. I wonder what their future will be like if they do not get chosen into the Olympics. It's harsh reality. I pray that the training will build up not only their physical but also their soul and spirit.

Heard from a friend that the Orientation Camp in the Unis are playing gross games like guy and girl locking their lips, and guys doing push up on top of a girl, etc etc. N apparently, they are being sponsored by SDU.

I seriously wonder if they have mistaken physical intimacy with emotional, intellectual and spirtual intimacy. Too sadly, many have thought that being close physically wil bring intimacy into the other aspects of their lives. N SDU and the Unis are advocating that!

Lord, open our eyes to see the truth. Grant our students' leader wisdom that they stand firm against foolish acts.

What affects me nowadays...

How do you determine your worth? What makes you happy or sad? Recently as I watched some Sg-M'sia drama on TV, I find jealousy a strange and distant emotion. As if it had never touch me before. I have forgotten what it means to be sad over a BGR, and I wonder if I would ever feel that way again. Seeing the girl so crazy and emotionally unstable over a guy who does not love her, it seems out of place in my life.

Only 9 kids turn up for program today. I like the small group. R was responsive to me today. I hope to be able to build up relationship with him during the moments when he is feeling ok. I want to build on the good moments.

I used to be afriad to let kids know that they are wrong or that their work are far from ideal. But I realise that I had to present the reality to them, and trust God that they can handle it. If I protect them from the reality of how they are doing, I may be doing them a disfavor. In future, others may tell them of their faults in a disrespectful and unhelpful manner. Therefore in my capacity, I want to present the truth to the kids in a way they can handle, even if it means telling them that there are improvements to be made.

I am reminded that Lord you are the Promise-giver and the Promise-keeper. Reveal your great promises for these children. May Your vision be my vision, your heartbeat, my passion...

Jeremiah 12:5

Jeremiah 12:5
“If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?”

Have been jogging recently. Each time when it comes to a very tiring part, I would be reminded of this verse and press on to complete the jog.

At work, this verse has become my inspiration too. I would say that my workplace is like the safe country mentioned in Jeremiah. It is a pretty cozy place to be at. Colleagues are pretty nice. Workload, though I think is heavy but still manageable. However there are times when I feel stress and tired. It’s really a time to train myself up. If I stumble in safe country, how will I manage in the thickets?

Work and ministry demands take up the bulk of my time and energy. But I trust in the Lord that as I rely on Him, He would refresh me. I also trust that as I rely on His strength, His grace would be sufficient for me.

In my weakness, Lord, You are strong. May all who see me, see the Lord who glorifies Himself in me.

Good means giving you wat you want?

In C.S. Lewis’ book, Problem of Pain, says that we have been attributing God is good and God is almighty and therefore God is able to make me happy. If I am not happy, then something is wrong. Either He is not good, or He is not almighty.

I see this kind of behavior in the children and youth everyday. (More so in the children). they show you attitude because you don’t give them what they want. If you don’t do it their way, then you are bad. I was screamed at many times last Friday. One particular immature boy kept telling me or rather shouted at me, “I hate you.” He would say things that are sarcastic enough for me to know that he is unhappy with me.

What would I do? I invited him to speak to me directly and not keep talking about it indirectly. But he refused. What could I do next? Only pray for him that he may come to his senses. That he cannot get what he wants all the time. I hope I have demonstrated to him that there is another way to respond to people’s anger. Cos he has the tendency to respond to people’s anger with anger and fighting back. Also I hope tht I have shown to other children that conflict can be confronted in a non-aggressive and firm way.

I wonder if I felt hurt by him? On one hand, I know that I can get angry with him if I want to. On the other hand I also know that it is not very useful. And then I don’t know how to really feel. It seems foolish to say that I am hurt by him because I know that he is like this. Maybe the way to feel is to feel compassion. It sounds so artificial to me to control the way I feel and to even say that there is a particular right way of feeling. I don’t know. Can anyone tell me if this is wrong? However I know that there is a Christ-like way of responding to things.

Father I pray that you heal me if there may be any hurt within me that I can’t feel. Help me to release the feeling that I do not know how to express. I pray that you help me to forgive this boy who does not know what he is doing. And Father I pray for your mercy to be upon him that he delivers him from the evil one. He does not know what he is doing and he is unable to control himself. Pray that he will experience freedom and breakthrough n his life that he will not be a slave to bitterness and anger. Pray also for your peace to guard our relationship with one another and not let the evil one to come and kill and steal.

STOP IT!!!!

Sometimes I jus feel like telling her to leave me alone. STOP TALKING!!!! My goodness, cant she tell from my body language that I do not wished to be disturbed. She just got to tell about every little thing to most people. In the end, I suffer the most cos I sit nearest to her.

C asked me to be more careful in the things I say and must see who I am telling it to. Sometimes, not that I don’t know my words have consequences, it’s just that it does not really bother me. I have been keeping most things to my heart already. If I were to keep anymore, I may just burst. I appreciate her concern for me, maybe she knows of things that I do not know of.

Sometimes I like my straightforward nature and I feel that if I cannot do that, I am not me. I don’t know how I might become as time progress. Maybe I wont be so straightforward anymore. Maybe that might be seen as wisdom. But that is not me at this point. I like me like this. Am I stupid to want to continue to be like this? Maybe. And also there is some extent of stubbornness that refuses to bow down.

Lord, help me to be who you want me to be. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transform by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is. His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Not enough?

When I thought that it was enough for them, it is actually not enough.

P and other girls wanted to use the youth room to practise their dance for a school performance. So i opened up the youth room so that not only could they have a place to practise their dance, but also I hope that their interest and potential would not be impede by the lack of resources.

But once in awhile when I pop in to take a look, they are merely on the MSN, friendster or Youtube. I was a lil frustrated that they fooling ard and abusing the privilege I have extended to them. But I realised that they are just lost. Though they have a leader, she was unable to organise the group. By the end of the day, they did not accomplish anything. I got to know yday that they did not even go for the audition. Another lost opportunity to show that they have what it takes..

Lord, I pray that You, God who owned the wole earth, would provide opportunities and resources for these children to develop their potential and interest. I pray against the destiny that condemns them to be nobody in the society. May you give them a fruitful and abundant life that you have promised.

N I met the Queen of England yday!!!! Oh well, at least she acts like one. So self-centered and ba4 dao4, and everyone need to give in to her. Crap! Super irritated by her even now as I think about it! My youth's sister. I wanted a private chat wituh her sister and mother, but she just refused to go out of the room. In the end, the choice was given to her to move or we move. She didnt move, so we moved. About 5s later I went back to the room to take something, she was throwing some lil things on the floor. Oh man, this is not her house! I "invited" her out of the room because she really has no business to be in the room eben though there is no one using the counselling room. Her atrocity shocks me a lil when she actually locked the passageway door as I approached. If her mother is not there, she would have been scolded by me. How can I tell the mother that she is too permissive, that's y her daughters and now even her youngest son is showing signs. He plays with the office phone as if its his hosue phone. When I block him physically, he played with my watch. Crap! Sign...

Lord, recuse me from such frustrations. Help this family even to... I dont know... Just help them...