Faith vs Understanding

Speaking to Abang enlightened me on some of the struggles that I am experiencing. Change is awkward and requires a lot of energy. I hate to admit it, but I am affected.

I recognize some of the tension I feel within myself. Being able to recognize them helps me. To be able to identify the cause of the tension releases some tension.

Essentially, it boils down to what I think I want and what I really want. It is reflected in the little things in life, but it just irks me. The little bits build up into a huge tension. I need to be more true to myself and admit what I really want.

What do I really want in my life, job and relationships?

I thought I could be happy with what I have, and make do with what I like. But I think I am not.

When I was in Nav, everything seems so purposeful. Everything I do it contributing to the KOG. Right now, I spend about 10 hours of my day from Monday to Friday working and working but I don’t know what I am doing. Is what I am doing purposefully building up the KOG?

Then I read Ephesians 6:7. “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men.”
Perhaps now is the time to just keep serving the Lord without asking for the purpose, reasons or the returns. Just keep serving and loving.

I remember Joseph in the house of Potiphar as slave, in the prison as a prisoner and serving in the courts of Pharaoh. Nothing makes sense. All that he went through makes no sense to us limited in wisdom and understanding. Yet he went through the times serving whole-heartedly. Only at the end did he understand that he had to go through all that he went through to save his people from 7 years of famine. He had not depended on reasons or understanding to persevere in his trials.

My Lord, I am limited in wisdom and understanding. Your ways are higher than my ways and your wisdom higher than mine. I do not see many things but you see from the beginning to the end. Grant me not understanding but Trust in you. Grant me not knowledge but unwavering Faith. Grant me HOPE and PURPOSE in you. Grant me undying LOVE for you that your burden becomes my burden and your heartbeat my passion.