Wildly and Irrationally- He loves me

have been reflecting about love.. think I am a nutcase.. I love to talk about love more than anything else in the world. Because God loves me, and His love truly comples me to many many things i would never do if not for His love..

There are 4 levels of love..

• 1st level: possessive love-Lust
• 2nd level: gratitute love. Love out of gratitude. "We love because God first love us." Many of our love stops at this level.
• 3rd level: love of excellence. Loving the person because of his/her qualities. There are still many who love God because of who He is.
• 4th level: irrational love. Love even when there is no reason for love, even when the person is unlovable.

God's love for me is irrational. He loves me even when I am unlovable. He has no reason to love me. Why does He love me then? (Well, I have forgotten that in irrational love, there is no reason.)

I have been ask ing God, "How are U loving me?" But today, I asked myself, "How am I loving God?" If God loves me any lesser than Irrational Love, will I still love Him? If God puts trials in my life to test my love for Him and to refine my love, will I make it?

If I love God with the love of gratitude (2rd level), then I may stop loving Him when I think He has stopped loving me. N this is highly possible because there will be many situations in life when we will be tempted to believe that God does not love.

If I love God with the love of excellence (3rd level), then I may stop loving Him when i think He is not worthy of my love. One day I may find that God is unkind (again due to trials and sufferings in life), and I may stop loving Him.

Reflecting on the irrational love of God, my so-called love for God pales in comparison. His love for me is passionate, its jealous, its fiery. His love for me is so.. I dunno what to say..

No one can love me the same way as God. Nor should I expect that.. (Or can I?) Can I love someone wildly and irrationally? (Maybe my child?) Human love is so flawed..

Father, help me love you. Help me to love you even when there seems to be no reason to. N I thank you God that you will bring me to a deeper level of your love, slowly, slowly.. Never rushing me, but never allowing to slack either.. I love you God. Mayb not the level that is the best, but God you love my love for you at whatever level I can manage.. As long as its my all, even if my all is only 0.0001% or even lesser of yours..

Some pictures..

This place is called Li Jiang.. Its about 8-9 hours bus ride from KunMing.. Lovely place.. Though many parts of it have been commercialised.. wat a waste.. I want to go to many many beautiful places in Yunnan still.. One of my wish is to bagpack Yunnan.. People think I am siao to bagpack in such a place.. pple usually go Australia or wat..haha.. i like east than west bah.. And I am dreaming to travel to Yunnan through Vietnam.. Or Myanmar.. But i think via Vietnam might be safer.. =)

Just wanna share with all of you my dear nephew baby Lucas.. so CUTE!! We went shopping at Bugis, suppose to buy clothes for him.. But then ended up my sis and I kept taking pics with him then my parents were the only one atually choosing the clothes.. =)

Love, Faith, Works

It has been a while since I last post..

Jus to respond to Jul. Well I guess girls do tend to reflect more than guys.. at least in my circle of friends, its my female friends who reflect deeply together with me, feel deeply and engage deeply with me =) Females are deep.. So v v deep.. If you ever attempt to venture into understanding females, be sure you have lots of courage.. =) not for the faint hearted.. =)

After reading Rach's blog, set me thinking.. If I was like her in my teenage-hood, wld I be better off? Yet I have no regrets as to how I have offered my hearts to many people.. (not only in the BGR sense but also friendships.) To love is to be vulnerable.. To love is to feel put yourself at risk of love, and this risk is almost guaranteed.. To love is to sacrifice.. Love is scary, yet love is beautiful when the flower of love blooms..

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irremdeemable.. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers... of love is Hell" C.S Lewis

He is one man I truly admire.. He knows what love is.. Not just because he wrote about love.. But he demonstrates love in his life. He married his wife when she was having cancer. He married her to serve her, not to use her to serve him.. And this lady had 2 sons when they were married, she was a widow. He married a woman with cancer and 2 sons. He willingly took on the responsibility of caring for her and 2 sons. And the 2 sons loved him.. Eventually his wife did recover, but only for a short while before cancer return and took her life away. What a dear man..

To me, love was such a simple matter. Jus simply bare your heart.. Yet, I am taking on a different perspective now. Love is tough and painful. I thought that Love requires lots of faith. Faith that when we step forth in love, our hearts to be more loving. Faith that God will take our pain and hurts and heal them. I have forgotten (just been reminded) that Love requires works too. Faith and Works needs to go together. I need to Work through Love and nuture Love such that it will grow.. James says that Faith without Works is dead. While Works without Faith is useless.. In Love, I am learning that it takes Faith and Works to make Love blossom.. Ultimately, all these need to be submitted under the Sovereignty of God.. Because only God can makes things grow. We can only water and nuture.. and by faith believe that Love will grow..

Was talking to Santi last night about Discipleship. Would say its a frutiful time.. Summary of our discussion.. Crucify ourselves! It was a time where we talk about the most blatant reality of our Christian life.. the Cross is not about glory but about pain and suffering and shame.. Were we willing to pay the price for Christ, for love, for the cross..

God, your way is indeed the narrow way, but which leads us to heaven.. Broad indeed is the way the leads to destruction.. Keep me to your way Lord.. My dear God, my lovely Jesus..

Captivating

Been reading "Captivating". Its good.. Thanks to Santi & Suyin who got the book for me. Provoked alot of thoughts. BEAUTY. Tt's what the book talk about. A woman's essence is in her beauty. Woman made in the image of God, reflects God differently from a man. She reflects Beauty while he reflects Strength.

I also want to be beautiful. There is nothing wrong about wanting to be beautiful, but the beauty is in the soul. It sounds so clinque, but to me, its mysterious. How can I be truly beautiful? I may beautify my appearance but can I beautify my soul?

I learn that Beauty invites, Beauty inspires, Beauty comforts. A woman who is dominating or controlling oppresses others around her.. (Oh, I am so often times like this and seen many such people ard). A woman who is anxious does not reflect the Beauty of God. Instead of telling others that "All is well", an anxious woman tell others that "All is not well" (I fall into such weakness as well). Woman reflecting the Beauty of God makes people comfortable around her instead of giving people the feeling of oppression. Woman reflecting the Beauty of God gives people the message that God is in control, and with such she is at rest.

I wonder how I can be strong but not domineering? How can I surrender to God and not be weak? Beauty is mysterious, just as God is mysterious and just as all women are mysterious.. Perhaps I can never figure Beauty out, but I am going to pray this into my life. Only God can make me beautiful. As I look at my beautiful God, as I reflect Him more and more, I will be more and more beautiful. Maybe beauty is not a state of doing but a state of being..

Woman are Captivating.. But many wounds and lies in life tell us otherwise. Instead of being told we are loved, delighted in, captivating and worthy, we are told all the lies that you can imagine. N being fallen, we reaffirmed those lies in our lives.. We truly believe we are worthless, ugly, unwanted etc etc.. (i realised that I have difficulty believing people when they say that they like me or that I did well. Perhaps I really believed that I have nothing much for people to take delight in.) The only solution is to let God tell us that we are Captivating.. We are Captivating. There is no accompanying reasons to the fact that we are Captivating.. We just are..

There is a vacuum in all of our hearts that only God can fill.. But today I realised that there is also a vacuum in God's heart- a vacuum only I can fill. He made me to love me, He is awaiting me.. Yet I struggle.. to love Him is to obey Him.. To submit to Him.. I struggle with obedience.. I know God does not want my dutiful obligations, He want my devoted worship to Him. Worship Him out of my free will, out of my love, out of my passion for Him.. Yet I struggle.. I find it hard to give God wat He wants. Not that I am facing some big issue in my life tt require me to make a Lordship decision, but I know to be totally devoted to God requires a high price. Thinking of it brings pain.. Literal pain.. I can feel it across my heart..

God I need to see the reward and glory awaiting me. I need to see Your love motivating me. I am unable for I am merely human. I need your empowerment to surrender to you. God you do not take me by force. You wait for me to surrender to you. God you are gentle.. Father you are loving.. I pray that you will make me yield myself to you.. Thank you Lord for your patience, for showing patience toward my stubborn heart..

Father continue to expose the lies and wounds in my life and clean them out. It is painful I know but I also know that your healing balm is there for me. N Lord I know that unless you are Lord, I am not giving you access into those painful areas, and you cannot heal me. I struggle bcos I want your healing but at the same time I cannot open up those areas for you.. Help me.. Help me..

This is my prayer,
Make it my one desire...
That in my secret heart,
No other love competes,
No rival throne survives,
And I serve only You.

Let me see your Beauty..

After Rally

Have not felt so relax ever since I came back from China.. Rally teaching is finally over and I can breathe the fresh air around me.. Was quite stress out.. Thank God His grace sustain me. So I am giving myself a treat by sleeping late tonight and wake up late tml morning..

Personal reflection on the rally.. Felt that I could have done better on planning for the activities. Maybe I am really not a activity person, I can teach, plain teaching, not the activities.. Felt like an entertainer rather than a teacher.. Perhaps I need to change my perspective on that. Focus more on teaching. Sometimes I am scare teens will be bored, think abt how to catch their attention. Perhaps I hv worried too muz over the peripheral.. Shld hv jus focus on the main teaching..

Guess I done better on the 2nd part.. At least that was how people affirm me.. Thanks so muz for the affirmation people.. It gives me more motivation to carry on..

Went to He Xing's wedding dinner after rally.. Actually I dun him well.. Eddie was invited so I was invited as well.. Didnt really talk to He Xing muz.. Chatted more with Serene who sat with me at the same table. Told her that we were always seperated during wedding dinner, finally had a chance to sit together.. haha! I guess that was what make the dinner less boring.. Oh Chin Soon n Fabian also at the same table and they of course added some laughter to the table! =)

Now I jus wanna to give myself a break.. Spending time alone at the beach (realised that beach can be quite nice at night, went there once on my own at night... Nice..), reading, listening to music, swimming.. Finally to have my Sabbath.. As I think about all these activities, I feel like doing them alone.. Without anyone.. I guess my real real rest comes from being on my own. Then I will get tired of myself, n all ready to meet people again! I am like this.. I need time alone to recharge.. N to stand in front of people to give a message takes so muz out of me.. Its pretty draining aft tt.. Many people often think that I am a front stage person.. but let me clarify.. I AM NOT!!

I am really not a front stage person, at least not naturally a front stage person.. The fact that I can do it does not mean that I am naturally front stage person. I prefer small group teaching where I can be more natural, more at ease. When I tell my friend that, he laughed! So surprised that I claim that of myself.. Aiyo, how to convince people? Can jus take my words for it? I am not lying ok.. Anyway, why am i talking so muz abt it? Well, maybe I am just feeling a bit high from too much tea at the wedding dinner..

Today went to the gu zhen shop to take a look. Pastor from Christ Church Sec wanted to give away a gu zhen and he offered it to me. So I went to the gu zhen shop near my house to take a look. It cost $160 a month to learn gu zhen. Its once a week and one hour per lesson. It does not say how long is a course and its really dependent how fast you learn the instrument. If you learn it fast, then you take lesser month, if slower then more months means more money. But what impresses me is that they give one-one teaching. Which means the teacher can really go acc to your pace. This makes me feel at ease. Have been thinking abt gu zhen for awhile ever since the shop opened near my house. But let me consider somemore.. Money and time is a factor.. Wonder if the Pastor can help me to keep the gu zhen and give me to me only when I start to learn?

God, show me if you wan me to learn gu zhen? God you are willing, you will give the time and even the money.. Thank you God..

Child

Let's see how much I can blog in half an hour...

There have been many things going thru my mind this past 1 month but I cant blog them all down.. 1stly, it may invite alot of questioning and it means pressure for me. 2ndly, some of these thoughts are nt concrete yet.. So its kinda hard to blog them.. Shall blog as much as I can as a way to record my thinking process..

This yr one of the thing I hope to grow in is FAITH. But after awhile, it seems that I need to learn humility more.. So i put it down as my goal this yr to pray and ask God to give me humility and help me to be more humble. However just after a week now, I think humility is not the root of the issue. I may need to work on fear of rejection even more. Pride could stem from the fear of rejection.

Why do I say that? When there is a fear of rejection by people, I will tend not ask for help and do everything on my own. (This is why I think I give people the impression that I am strong and capable.) All these yrs of not asking help from people, I have learn to be strong and independent, which resulted in pride. The sense of pride that "I can do it, I made it and i can continue to rely on myself somemore". Over the years, the fear of rejection slowly retreats into the background and a spirit of pride took over.

I am thankful that the issue of fear of rejection is resurfacing again. I can now ask God to deal with the real issue rather than with pride and humility which to me is merely symptoms of the real problem.

The independent spirit is affecting my relationship with God. I cant rely on Him as much as I want to. Relying on myself became a way of life, a way of living so familiar and naturally that I often times dunno that I am depending on myself. I need plenty of reminder to rely in Him, to exercise Faith in Him and to deny myself. I want to let God be my Protector instead of me trying to protect myself.

I always attribute the above issues to my childhood experience. It sounds very familiar doesnt it. Blaming it on the childhood experience and blaming it on the parents who brought you up. No, I dont think I wanna blame them for anything.. Its just that things happen, and they brought me up in a certain manner, and I responded in a certain manner.

Imagine the disppointment a child would face when she ask her mum to cook her fav meal for the next day, and the following day she was gone! The child saw her mum packing her bag, in her mind she knew that mum is going to leave the house. In her desperate attempt to keep her mum, she tried to "trick" her mum requesting for her cooking. In her innocent mind, the child thought that bcos the mum promised the meal, so things are settled. In her innocent mind, promises are meant to be kept. She didnt know that there is such thing called lie. Eve was deceived by a LIE..

The child only felt disappointment, didnt rem if the child cried or not. Mayb disappointment and shock numb all other feelings. Its strange as I look at this child. How calm and composed she was. She didnt kick a big fuss, didnt display too big a reaction. Jus plain disappointment. Mayb its her survival skill. To move on in life. Mother may leave you, but you cannot give up on yourself. The world still moves on. The child learn that there are some things which you just cannot hang on to. There is no point because there is no choice. Her mum did not give her a choice. She also decides that there is no point in trying so hard, that would not change the adult's mind.

That child learned to be her own Protector, making up for the protection that parents cannot give. That child learn to be easy-going with people. There is no need to tried so hard or push people so hard. Instead of pestering people, she learned to work doubly hard on her own to make up for the help she cannot receive. She survived til today. But scars remains. Her ways are dsyfunctional in some ways.

But God is good. He is slowly moulding her and undoing some of the things she has learned on her own. God's time has come to deliver her. She no longer need to deliver herself, because God will be her Deliverer. The one who will never never never never break His promise. The one who will always always always always be with her.

God wil you have compassion this child and help her to learn to trust in you again. To teach her that rejection from people are nothing because God the Almighty ACCEPTS. To have deep security in You that nothing, and no one can shake. God, be her deliverer. Help this child to trust again... God...

Sacrifice-the way of Discipleship

I use to hate to say that I am busy. I dunno y.. I find that busy betrays that I dunno how to manage my time.. But now I want to say that I am busy! Help! I need help! Oh man.. Busy til I hv no time to blog.. but here I am blogging.. Cos I find that if I hv a blog and dont blog, its nt good..

Went to Christ Church Sec Sch today.. Must say that I like the Principle and the Pastor in charge.. Esp the Pastor, he has such a sense of humor.. if you see him on the street, you may find tt he's a normal uncle.. N the amazing thing is he has such a big garden in school.. planting 30 over herbs and many many orchids.. He is amazing.. Now i am a lil inspired to go and learn gardening.. Actually I had wanted to learn gardening.. U know I am in gardening in Pri Sch.. haha.. Occasionally when i water the plants in tJunction, I wish that I can know what to do to make them more fruitful again.. many of them look so pathetic..

One thing Pastor say struck me: nv kill something that has life in it.. He was assigned to Christ Church Sec when it was closing down.. they only had abt 90 students then. His bishop told him to build up the Boys' Bridage when it had only 1 boy.. When I heard, I was like "oh boy". How discouraging and overwhelming this task must have been.. If TNT only hv 1 teen left, would I stay on and build up it up?

then Pastor told another story. He told us that there was a guy who opposed strongly to the closing down of the school. He bang the table and told the MOE people, "How can you close down God's school- Christ Church?" I almost teared when I heard it. Such passion, such strong burden for the school. I almost teared..

People look at Christ Church and only see a ordinary and ah beng school.. But I am coming to like the school.. I am even excited to go down every friday to help out at the christian fellowship CCA. Sch's at Woodlands but I am stil excited.. I want to bring my girls down.. I want to bring HuiMei, Rachel, Santi, Ruth, Char, Suyin and Nat there. Bring them there to fish for people. But realistically, I think only HM can make it.. and mayb even Rach if I may challenge her enuff..

Discipleship and Disciple-making takes sacrifice. I am paying the price today and I hope to be always paying the price because this tells me that I am growing in discipleship.

When I see Christ Church, I am thinking Eddie can b there to do ministry too. He works at Admiralty, near Woodlands.. its convenient for him! haha..

Oh yes, I remember, the Principle is visionary too.. he was the one who build the school up tog with the Pastor.. He such a easy-going man, who does not put on air.. I believe any teacher who works for him will love him. He talks like a friend to the teachers at the meeting today and they talk to him like a friend as well. The school have a motto: one student one mountain. The school aims to bring the student to climb a mountain in the course of their studies. If they can overcome this physical mountain, it represents that they can overcome any obstacles in their life in future. He is building character and strength in his students..

N this funny Principle actually rear birds in his school! haha.. We found the birds at a corner near the roof and we were thinking mayb the maintenance helper rear the birds n cage it there. But Pastor told us they belong to the Principle! So cute..

the pastor really v funny too.. Marge and I, and also KY was amused by him. N Pastor say he like my sense of humor.. haha.. Mayb we can really click..

Feelings

This is just a blog to express my feelings. Whatever I am feeling.. Feeling down. Maybe too many things are bothering my mind. Yet somehow there dont seem to have any way out of it.

People who are reading this, do not feel stress for me. I am still the LiJie whom you know. When you see me, I seem very ok. And that is because seeing my friends cheers me up. Not that I am wearing a mask. I am jus happy to be with my friends. There are some feelings and problems that cannot be adequately explained or sort out in the short run. So do just give me the space to be on my own.

I know that I am in God's good hand. I was telling Santilin today that as long as she can come to a decision, she will be saving herself a lot of energy. Instead of having to be bothered about what to join and where to go each week, she can simply follow the decision that she had prayed and consider over. Maybe the same with me here. If I can make a decision and not be wishy-washy then perhaps my problem will be resolve. Jus that sometimes the process of coming to a decision is tough. I need to be v v careful in my thinking thru and praying thru. I need to weigh all the pros and cons and most imptly I need to hear from God.

Is there any wise counsel I can seek? Is there any one who can tell me if this burden would reduce over time? Is there anyone who can tell me if I can find the faith to continue believing in it? Will God give me the hope to persever. I am praying everyday for faith and hope. Perhaps I need to pray for a change of heart for myself.

God take care of me as I take care of others. Take care of my girls as I work with you to take care of them. I want to spend more time this year in praying more for them, thinking more about them, and finally to hear from God what He is doing in their lives. I desire to come alongside with God, partner with Him and contribute meaningfully in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is making a difference to them. No one knows but God. Pray that whatever I have input in their lives will be sealed by God and transform their lives.

God lift my burden and bring miracle into my situation. Thank you God for your faithfulness even when I am unfaithful. Even when I am underserving of your faithfulness

Settling into Life here

I nearly forgot my password and user name for the blog.. Thankfully my sis helped me. I tried so many thanks and finally GOT It! haha..

Back from 23days in China, I feel like half a KunMinger. I know the place better than my Sg pals there and sometimes even better than my leader who is there for 2yrs already.

Many people asked me about my trip. One word in summary- Challenging. Last yr the same thing at the same place, but its more fun. Seems like this yr, there were so many things tt I need to learn and that totally blew my mind. For example, you cannot trust the pple totally, you need to be wise in your dealings with them. I am learning.. Trying very hard to learn this. Mayb working in a youth ministry I have learnt to let go totally and treat each teen as real as I am. But when I go over there, I am told not to believe in pple easily no matter how friendly they seem to you. Its hard, but its reality..

I also learn that any connections I have with the pple wil impact the ministry there and affect the work that they are doing. I really need to be asking for wisdom as to what would be helping them and what would not be helping them. really pray that I will be more of a help than a hinderance.

How come I nv learn these in the first yr? How come I learn it so hard this yr? I am stil in the process of dealing with my feelings and thoughts regarding this. Asking God to give me His grace to accept this.

Coming back to Sg, I feel at home. Maybe I was not really focus while I was there. While I was there, my mind was always in Sg and the people here. Maybe this helped me in settling back here. Yet now that I am back here, my mind also think abt the people there. How confused can a person get? I feel spilt. Its hard to be seperated from the people who you know are dear to you. and I have people dear to me both here and in China. Its tough. May God help me..

Thankfully I got to meet up w the friends I got to know last yr. Knowing them for a yr seems different. We seem closer this yr though we nv really kp in touch, but the bond is there. I feel so close to them and a few of them also told me that this yr felt different from last yr cos the bond is much stronger. Its a miracle that we can stil kp in touch and meet one another aft 1 yr. Its very special and precious to me which I shall treasure in my heart.

Now I dun hv muz time to think about these. Shall have to put them on hold for a moment bcos work are waiting for me to settle and rally is coming. Praying for God to give me His inspiration to know how to bless the teens. there is much to catch up w the girls. Well, the price to pay for being away for 3 weeks. haha.. =)

People, I am back =)

Miss you all

These people really make me feel like crying.. Jus received some farewell wishes from Jo, Josh, and their mum. N receive Rach's sms. Sigh.. I will miss them. No wonder I cannot be a missionary because I hv too many people whom I wil miss dearly here.

Each farewell wish makes me feel like crying. This is the longest time I am gg to be away from home and away from the people I love. So its sad for me. Plus the fact that I will miss so many things while I am away makes me miss them all the more. Salt retreat, christmas rally etc. They say they will call me and collect offering to pay for the phone bill.. so cute right. Imagining doing that! =)

I hope I wont cry at the airport tml.. I wld look so dumb. cos its just like 3 weeks.. 3 weeks wl pass and I will be back.. Thank you for missing me and finding me impt enuff to you to be missed.

God keep them when I am not ard. Help me to know and trust you as the faithful God who will protect them from the evil one. Keep the little one at home and keep him safe and growing healthy. I pray that the time when we meet again, we will once again praise Your name.

Protect Serene from the evil one as she takes the step of faith in baptism. Protect her against the scheme and lies of the evil one and reveal your truth to her. Truth that she is loved, precious and important. Pray that as she live out the truth, she will become beautiful, the woman you have created her to be. In Jesus' name, Amen