Child

Let's see how much I can blog in half an hour...

There have been many things going thru my mind this past 1 month but I cant blog them all down.. 1stly, it may invite alot of questioning and it means pressure for me. 2ndly, some of these thoughts are nt concrete yet.. So its kinda hard to blog them.. Shall blog as much as I can as a way to record my thinking process..

This yr one of the thing I hope to grow in is FAITH. But after awhile, it seems that I need to learn humility more.. So i put it down as my goal this yr to pray and ask God to give me humility and help me to be more humble. However just after a week now, I think humility is not the root of the issue. I may need to work on fear of rejection even more. Pride could stem from the fear of rejection.

Why do I say that? When there is a fear of rejection by people, I will tend not ask for help and do everything on my own. (This is why I think I give people the impression that I am strong and capable.) All these yrs of not asking help from people, I have learn to be strong and independent, which resulted in pride. The sense of pride that "I can do it, I made it and i can continue to rely on myself somemore". Over the years, the fear of rejection slowly retreats into the background and a spirit of pride took over.

I am thankful that the issue of fear of rejection is resurfacing again. I can now ask God to deal with the real issue rather than with pride and humility which to me is merely symptoms of the real problem.

The independent spirit is affecting my relationship with God. I cant rely on Him as much as I want to. Relying on myself became a way of life, a way of living so familiar and naturally that I often times dunno that I am depending on myself. I need plenty of reminder to rely in Him, to exercise Faith in Him and to deny myself. I want to let God be my Protector instead of me trying to protect myself.

I always attribute the above issues to my childhood experience. It sounds very familiar doesnt it. Blaming it on the childhood experience and blaming it on the parents who brought you up. No, I dont think I wanna blame them for anything.. Its just that things happen, and they brought me up in a certain manner, and I responded in a certain manner.

Imagine the disppointment a child would face when she ask her mum to cook her fav meal for the next day, and the following day she was gone! The child saw her mum packing her bag, in her mind she knew that mum is going to leave the house. In her desperate attempt to keep her mum, she tried to "trick" her mum requesting for her cooking. In her innocent mind, the child thought that bcos the mum promised the meal, so things are settled. In her innocent mind, promises are meant to be kept. She didnt know that there is such thing called lie. Eve was deceived by a LIE..

The child only felt disappointment, didnt rem if the child cried or not. Mayb disappointment and shock numb all other feelings. Its strange as I look at this child. How calm and composed she was. She didnt kick a big fuss, didnt display too big a reaction. Jus plain disappointment. Mayb its her survival skill. To move on in life. Mother may leave you, but you cannot give up on yourself. The world still moves on. The child learn that there are some things which you just cannot hang on to. There is no point because there is no choice. Her mum did not give her a choice. She also decides that there is no point in trying so hard, that would not change the adult's mind.

That child learned to be her own Protector, making up for the protection that parents cannot give. That child learn to be easy-going with people. There is no need to tried so hard or push people so hard. Instead of pestering people, she learned to work doubly hard on her own to make up for the help she cannot receive. She survived til today. But scars remains. Her ways are dsyfunctional in some ways.

But God is good. He is slowly moulding her and undoing some of the things she has learned on her own. God's time has come to deliver her. She no longer need to deliver herself, because God will be her Deliverer. The one who will never never never never break His promise. The one who will always always always always be with her.

God wil you have compassion this child and help her to learn to trust in you again. To teach her that rejection from people are nothing because God the Almighty ACCEPTS. To have deep security in You that nothing, and no one can shake. God, be her deliverer. Help this child to trust again... God...