Have not felt so relax ever since I came back from China.. Rally teaching is finally over and I can breathe the fresh air around me.. Was quite stress out.. Thank God His grace sustain me. So I am giving myself a treat by sleeping late tonight and wake up late tml morning..
Personal reflection on the rally.. Felt that I could have done better on planning for the activities. Maybe I am really not a activity person, I can teach, plain teaching, not the activities.. Felt like an entertainer rather than a teacher.. Perhaps I need to change my perspective on that. Focus more on teaching. Sometimes I am scare teens will be bored, think abt how to catch their attention. Perhaps I hv worried too muz over the peripheral.. Shld hv jus focus on the main teaching..
Guess I done better on the 2nd part.. At least that was how people affirm me.. Thanks so muz for the affirmation people.. It gives me more motivation to carry on..
Went to He Xing's wedding dinner after rally.. Actually I dun him well.. Eddie was invited so I was invited as well.. Didnt really talk to He Xing muz.. Chatted more with Serene who sat with me at the same table. Told her that we were always seperated during wedding dinner, finally had a chance to sit together.. haha! I guess that was what make the dinner less boring.. Oh Chin Soon n Fabian also at the same table and they of course added some laughter to the table! =)
Now I jus wanna to give myself a break.. Spending time alone at the beach (realised that beach can be quite nice at night, went there once on my own at night... Nice..), reading, listening to music, swimming.. Finally to have my Sabbath.. As I think about all these activities, I feel like doing them alone.. Without anyone.. I guess my real real rest comes from being on my own. Then I will get tired of myself, n all ready to meet people again! I am like this.. I need time alone to recharge.. N to stand in front of people to give a message takes so muz out of me.. Its pretty draining aft tt.. Many people often think that I am a front stage person.. but let me clarify.. I AM NOT!!
I am really not a front stage person, at least not naturally a front stage person.. The fact that I can do it does not mean that I am naturally front stage person. I prefer small group teaching where I can be more natural, more at ease. When I tell my friend that, he laughed! So surprised that I claim that of myself.. Aiyo, how to convince people? Can jus take my words for it? I am not lying ok.. Anyway, why am i talking so muz abt it? Well, maybe I am just feeling a bit high from too much tea at the wedding dinner..
Today went to the gu zhen shop to take a look. Pastor from Christ Church Sec wanted to give away a gu zhen and he offered it to me. So I went to the gu zhen shop near my house to take a look. It cost $160 a month to learn gu zhen. Its once a week and one hour per lesson. It does not say how long is a course and its really dependent how fast you learn the instrument. If you learn it fast, then you take lesser month, if slower then more months means more money. But what impresses me is that they give one-one teaching. Which means the teacher can really go acc to your pace. This makes me feel at ease. Have been thinking abt gu zhen for awhile ever since the shop opened near my house. But let me consider somemore.. Money and time is a factor.. Wonder if the Pastor can help me to keep the gu zhen and give me to me only when I start to learn?
God, show me if you wan me to learn gu zhen? God you are willing, you will give the time and even the money.. Thank you God..
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Child
Let's see how much I can blog in half an hour...
There have been many things going thru my mind this past 1 month but I cant blog them all down.. 1stly, it may invite alot of questioning and it means pressure for me. 2ndly, some of these thoughts are nt concrete yet.. So its kinda hard to blog them.. Shall blog as much as I can as a way to record my thinking process..
This yr one of the thing I hope to grow in is FAITH. But after awhile, it seems that I need to learn humility more.. So i put it down as my goal this yr to pray and ask God to give me humility and help me to be more humble. However just after a week now, I think humility is not the root of the issue. I may need to work on fear of rejection even more. Pride could stem from the fear of rejection.
Why do I say that? When there is a fear of rejection by people, I will tend not ask for help and do everything on my own. (This is why I think I give people the impression that I am strong and capable.) All these yrs of not asking help from people, I have learn to be strong and independent, which resulted in pride. The sense of pride that "I can do it, I made it and i can continue to rely on myself somemore". Over the years, the fear of rejection slowly retreats into the background and a spirit of pride took over.
I am thankful that the issue of fear of rejection is resurfacing again. I can now ask God to deal with the real issue rather than with pride and humility which to me is merely symptoms of the real problem.
The independent spirit is affecting my relationship with God. I cant rely on Him as much as I want to. Relying on myself became a way of life, a way of living so familiar and naturally that I often times dunno that I am depending on myself. I need plenty of reminder to rely in Him, to exercise Faith in Him and to deny myself. I want to let God be my Protector instead of me trying to protect myself.
I always attribute the above issues to my childhood experience. It sounds very familiar doesnt it. Blaming it on the childhood experience and blaming it on the parents who brought you up. No, I dont think I wanna blame them for anything.. Its just that things happen, and they brought me up in a certain manner, and I responded in a certain manner.
Imagine the disppointment a child would face when she ask her mum to cook her fav meal for the next day, and the following day she was gone! The child saw her mum packing her bag, in her mind she knew that mum is going to leave the house. In her desperate attempt to keep her mum, she tried to "trick" her mum requesting for her cooking. In her innocent mind, the child thought that bcos the mum promised the meal, so things are settled. In her innocent mind, promises are meant to be kept. She didnt know that there is such thing called lie. Eve was deceived by a LIE..
The child only felt disappointment, didnt rem if the child cried or not. Mayb disappointment and shock numb all other feelings. Its strange as I look at this child. How calm and composed she was. She didnt kick a big fuss, didnt display too big a reaction. Jus plain disappointment. Mayb its her survival skill. To move on in life. Mother may leave you, but you cannot give up on yourself. The world still moves on. The child learn that there are some things which you just cannot hang on to. There is no point because there is no choice. Her mum did not give her a choice. She also decides that there is no point in trying so hard, that would not change the adult's mind.
That child learned to be her own Protector, making up for the protection that parents cannot give. That child learn to be easy-going with people. There is no need to tried so hard or push people so hard. Instead of pestering people, she learned to work doubly hard on her own to make up for the help she cannot receive. She survived til today. But scars remains. Her ways are dsyfunctional in some ways.
But God is good. He is slowly moulding her and undoing some of the things she has learned on her own. God's time has come to deliver her. She no longer need to deliver herself, because God will be her Deliverer. The one who will never never never never break His promise. The one who will always always always always be with her.
God wil you have compassion this child and help her to learn to trust in you again. To teach her that rejection from people are nothing because God the Almighty ACCEPTS. To have deep security in You that nothing, and no one can shake. God, be her deliverer. Help this child to trust again... God...
There have been many things going thru my mind this past 1 month but I cant blog them all down.. 1stly, it may invite alot of questioning and it means pressure for me. 2ndly, some of these thoughts are nt concrete yet.. So its kinda hard to blog them.. Shall blog as much as I can as a way to record my thinking process..
This yr one of the thing I hope to grow in is FAITH. But after awhile, it seems that I need to learn humility more.. So i put it down as my goal this yr to pray and ask God to give me humility and help me to be more humble. However just after a week now, I think humility is not the root of the issue. I may need to work on fear of rejection even more. Pride could stem from the fear of rejection.
Why do I say that? When there is a fear of rejection by people, I will tend not ask for help and do everything on my own. (This is why I think I give people the impression that I am strong and capable.) All these yrs of not asking help from people, I have learn to be strong and independent, which resulted in pride. The sense of pride that "I can do it, I made it and i can continue to rely on myself somemore". Over the years, the fear of rejection slowly retreats into the background and a spirit of pride took over.
I am thankful that the issue of fear of rejection is resurfacing again. I can now ask God to deal with the real issue rather than with pride and humility which to me is merely symptoms of the real problem.
The independent spirit is affecting my relationship with God. I cant rely on Him as much as I want to. Relying on myself became a way of life, a way of living so familiar and naturally that I often times dunno that I am depending on myself. I need plenty of reminder to rely in Him, to exercise Faith in Him and to deny myself. I want to let God be my Protector instead of me trying to protect myself.
I always attribute the above issues to my childhood experience. It sounds very familiar doesnt it. Blaming it on the childhood experience and blaming it on the parents who brought you up. No, I dont think I wanna blame them for anything.. Its just that things happen, and they brought me up in a certain manner, and I responded in a certain manner.
Imagine the disppointment a child would face when she ask her mum to cook her fav meal for the next day, and the following day she was gone! The child saw her mum packing her bag, in her mind she knew that mum is going to leave the house. In her desperate attempt to keep her mum, she tried to "trick" her mum requesting for her cooking. In her innocent mind, the child thought that bcos the mum promised the meal, so things are settled. In her innocent mind, promises are meant to be kept. She didnt know that there is such thing called lie. Eve was deceived by a LIE..
The child only felt disappointment, didnt rem if the child cried or not. Mayb disappointment and shock numb all other feelings. Its strange as I look at this child. How calm and composed she was. She didnt kick a big fuss, didnt display too big a reaction. Jus plain disappointment. Mayb its her survival skill. To move on in life. Mother may leave you, but you cannot give up on yourself. The world still moves on. The child learn that there are some things which you just cannot hang on to. There is no point because there is no choice. Her mum did not give her a choice. She also decides that there is no point in trying so hard, that would not change the adult's mind.
That child learned to be her own Protector, making up for the protection that parents cannot give. That child learn to be easy-going with people. There is no need to tried so hard or push people so hard. Instead of pestering people, she learned to work doubly hard on her own to make up for the help she cannot receive. She survived til today. But scars remains. Her ways are dsyfunctional in some ways.
But God is good. He is slowly moulding her and undoing some of the things she has learned on her own. God's time has come to deliver her. She no longer need to deliver herself, because God will be her Deliverer. The one who will never never never never break His promise. The one who will always always always always be with her.
God wil you have compassion this child and help her to learn to trust in you again. To teach her that rejection from people are nothing because God the Almighty ACCEPTS. To have deep security in You that nothing, and no one can shake. God, be her deliverer. Help this child to trust again... God...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Sacrifice-the way of Discipleship
I use to hate to say that I am busy. I dunno y.. I find that busy betrays that I dunno how to manage my time.. But now I want to say that I am busy! Help! I need help! Oh man.. Busy til I hv no time to blog.. but here I am blogging.. Cos I find that if I hv a blog and dont blog, its nt good..
Went to Christ Church Sec Sch today.. Must say that I like the Principle and the Pastor in charge.. Esp the Pastor, he has such a sense of humor.. if you see him on the street, you may find tt he's a normal uncle.. N the amazing thing is he has such a big garden in school.. planting 30 over herbs and many many orchids.. He is amazing.. Now i am a lil inspired to go and learn gardening.. Actually I had wanted to learn gardening.. U know I am in gardening in Pri Sch.. haha.. Occasionally when i water the plants in tJunction, I wish that I can know what to do to make them more fruitful again.. many of them look so pathetic..
One thing Pastor say struck me: nv kill something that has life in it.. He was assigned to Christ Church Sec when it was closing down.. they only had abt 90 students then. His bishop told him to build up the Boys' Bridage when it had only 1 boy.. When I heard, I was like "oh boy". How discouraging and overwhelming this task must have been.. If TNT only hv 1 teen left, would I stay on and build up it up?
then Pastor told another story. He told us that there was a guy who opposed strongly to the closing down of the school. He bang the table and told the MOE people, "How can you close down God's school- Christ Church?" I almost teared when I heard it. Such passion, such strong burden for the school. I almost teared..
People look at Christ Church and only see a ordinary and ah beng school.. But I am coming to like the school.. I am even excited to go down every friday to help out at the christian fellowship CCA. Sch's at Woodlands but I am stil excited.. I want to bring my girls down.. I want to bring HuiMei, Rachel, Santi, Ruth, Char, Suyin and Nat there. Bring them there to fish for people. But realistically, I think only HM can make it.. and mayb even Rach if I may challenge her enuff..
Discipleship and Disciple-making takes sacrifice. I am paying the price today and I hope to be always paying the price because this tells me that I am growing in discipleship.
When I see Christ Church, I am thinking Eddie can b there to do ministry too. He works at Admiralty, near Woodlands.. its convenient for him! haha..
Oh yes, I remember, the Principle is visionary too.. he was the one who build the school up tog with the Pastor.. He such a easy-going man, who does not put on air.. I believe any teacher who works for him will love him. He talks like a friend to the teachers at the meeting today and they talk to him like a friend as well. The school have a motto: one student one mountain. The school aims to bring the student to climb a mountain in the course of their studies. If they can overcome this physical mountain, it represents that they can overcome any obstacles in their life in future. He is building character and strength in his students..
N this funny Principle actually rear birds in his school! haha.. We found the birds at a corner near the roof and we were thinking mayb the maintenance helper rear the birds n cage it there. But Pastor told us they belong to the Principle! So cute..
the pastor really v funny too.. Marge and I, and also KY was amused by him. N Pastor say he like my sense of humor.. haha.. Mayb we can really click..
Went to Christ Church Sec Sch today.. Must say that I like the Principle and the Pastor in charge.. Esp the Pastor, he has such a sense of humor.. if you see him on the street, you may find tt he's a normal uncle.. N the amazing thing is he has such a big garden in school.. planting 30 over herbs and many many orchids.. He is amazing.. Now i am a lil inspired to go and learn gardening.. Actually I had wanted to learn gardening.. U know I am in gardening in Pri Sch.. haha.. Occasionally when i water the plants in tJunction, I wish that I can know what to do to make them more fruitful again.. many of them look so pathetic..
One thing Pastor say struck me: nv kill something that has life in it.. He was assigned to Christ Church Sec when it was closing down.. they only had abt 90 students then. His bishop told him to build up the Boys' Bridage when it had only 1 boy.. When I heard, I was like "oh boy". How discouraging and overwhelming this task must have been.. If TNT only hv 1 teen left, would I stay on and build up it up?
then Pastor told another story. He told us that there was a guy who opposed strongly to the closing down of the school. He bang the table and told the MOE people, "How can you close down God's school- Christ Church?" I almost teared when I heard it. Such passion, such strong burden for the school. I almost teared..
People look at Christ Church and only see a ordinary and ah beng school.. But I am coming to like the school.. I am even excited to go down every friday to help out at the christian fellowship CCA. Sch's at Woodlands but I am stil excited.. I want to bring my girls down.. I want to bring HuiMei, Rachel, Santi, Ruth, Char, Suyin and Nat there. Bring them there to fish for people. But realistically, I think only HM can make it.. and mayb even Rach if I may challenge her enuff..
Discipleship and Disciple-making takes sacrifice. I am paying the price today and I hope to be always paying the price because this tells me that I am growing in discipleship.
When I see Christ Church, I am thinking Eddie can b there to do ministry too. He works at Admiralty, near Woodlands.. its convenient for him! haha..
Oh yes, I remember, the Principle is visionary too.. he was the one who build the school up tog with the Pastor.. He such a easy-going man, who does not put on air.. I believe any teacher who works for him will love him. He talks like a friend to the teachers at the meeting today and they talk to him like a friend as well. The school have a motto: one student one mountain. The school aims to bring the student to climb a mountain in the course of their studies. If they can overcome this physical mountain, it represents that they can overcome any obstacles in their life in future. He is building character and strength in his students..
N this funny Principle actually rear birds in his school! haha.. We found the birds at a corner near the roof and we were thinking mayb the maintenance helper rear the birds n cage it there. But Pastor told us they belong to the Principle! So cute..
the pastor really v funny too.. Marge and I, and also KY was amused by him. N Pastor say he like my sense of humor.. haha.. Mayb we can really click..
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Feelings
This is just a blog to express my feelings. Whatever I am feeling.. Feeling down. Maybe too many things are bothering my mind. Yet somehow there dont seem to have any way out of it.
People who are reading this, do not feel stress for me. I am still the LiJie whom you know. When you see me, I seem very ok. And that is because seeing my friends cheers me up. Not that I am wearing a mask. I am jus happy to be with my friends. There are some feelings and problems that cannot be adequately explained or sort out in the short run. So do just give me the space to be on my own.
I know that I am in God's good hand. I was telling Santilin today that as long as she can come to a decision, she will be saving herself a lot of energy. Instead of having to be bothered about what to join and where to go each week, she can simply follow the decision that she had prayed and consider over. Maybe the same with me here. If I can make a decision and not be wishy-washy then perhaps my problem will be resolve. Jus that sometimes the process of coming to a decision is tough. I need to be v v careful in my thinking thru and praying thru. I need to weigh all the pros and cons and most imptly I need to hear from God.
Is there any wise counsel I can seek? Is there any one who can tell me if this burden would reduce over time? Is there anyone who can tell me if I can find the faith to continue believing in it? Will God give me the hope to persever. I am praying everyday for faith and hope. Perhaps I need to pray for a change of heart for myself.
God take care of me as I take care of others. Take care of my girls as I work with you to take care of them. I want to spend more time this year in praying more for them, thinking more about them, and finally to hear from God what He is doing in their lives. I desire to come alongside with God, partner with Him and contribute meaningfully in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is making a difference to them. No one knows but God. Pray that whatever I have input in their lives will be sealed by God and transform their lives.
God lift my burden and bring miracle into my situation. Thank you God for your faithfulness even when I am unfaithful. Even when I am underserving of your faithfulness
People who are reading this, do not feel stress for me. I am still the LiJie whom you know. When you see me, I seem very ok. And that is because seeing my friends cheers me up. Not that I am wearing a mask. I am jus happy to be with my friends. There are some feelings and problems that cannot be adequately explained or sort out in the short run. So do just give me the space to be on my own.
I know that I am in God's good hand. I was telling Santilin today that as long as she can come to a decision, she will be saving herself a lot of energy. Instead of having to be bothered about what to join and where to go each week, she can simply follow the decision that she had prayed and consider over. Maybe the same with me here. If I can make a decision and not be wishy-washy then perhaps my problem will be resolve. Jus that sometimes the process of coming to a decision is tough. I need to be v v careful in my thinking thru and praying thru. I need to weigh all the pros and cons and most imptly I need to hear from God.
Is there any wise counsel I can seek? Is there any one who can tell me if this burden would reduce over time? Is there anyone who can tell me if I can find the faith to continue believing in it? Will God give me the hope to persever. I am praying everyday for faith and hope. Perhaps I need to pray for a change of heart for myself.
God take care of me as I take care of others. Take care of my girls as I work with you to take care of them. I want to spend more time this year in praying more for them, thinking more about them, and finally to hear from God what He is doing in their lives. I desire to come alongside with God, partner with Him and contribute meaningfully in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is making a difference to them. No one knows but God. Pray that whatever I have input in their lives will be sealed by God and transform their lives.
God lift my burden and bring miracle into my situation. Thank you God for your faithfulness even when I am unfaithful. Even when I am underserving of your faithfulness
Monday, January 8, 2007
Settling into Life here
I nearly forgot my password and user name for the blog.. Thankfully my sis helped me. I tried so many thanks and finally GOT It! haha..
Back from 23days in China, I feel like half a KunMinger. I know the place better than my Sg pals there and sometimes even better than my leader who is there for 2yrs already.
Many people asked me about my trip. One word in summary- Challenging. Last yr the same thing at the same place, but its more fun. Seems like this yr, there were so many things tt I need to learn and that totally blew my mind. For example, you cannot trust the pple totally, you need to be wise in your dealings with them. I am learning.. Trying very hard to learn this. Mayb working in a youth ministry I have learnt to let go totally and treat each teen as real as I am. But when I go over there, I am told not to believe in pple easily no matter how friendly they seem to you. Its hard, but its reality..
I also learn that any connections I have with the pple wil impact the ministry there and affect the work that they are doing. I really need to be asking for wisdom as to what would be helping them and what would not be helping them. really pray that I will be more of a help than a hinderance.
How come I nv learn these in the first yr? How come I learn it so hard this yr? I am stil in the process of dealing with my feelings and thoughts regarding this. Asking God to give me His grace to accept this.
Coming back to Sg, I feel at home. Maybe I was not really focus while I was there. While I was there, my mind was always in Sg and the people here. Maybe this helped me in settling back here. Yet now that I am back here, my mind also think abt the people there. How confused can a person get? I feel spilt. Its hard to be seperated from the people who you know are dear to you. and I have people dear to me both here and in China. Its tough. May God help me..
Thankfully I got to meet up w the friends I got to know last yr. Knowing them for a yr seems different. We seem closer this yr though we nv really kp in touch, but the bond is there. I feel so close to them and a few of them also told me that this yr felt different from last yr cos the bond is much stronger. Its a miracle that we can stil kp in touch and meet one another aft 1 yr. Its very special and precious to me which I shall treasure in my heart.
Now I dun hv muz time to think about these. Shall have to put them on hold for a moment bcos work are waiting for me to settle and rally is coming. Praying for God to give me His inspiration to know how to bless the teens. there is much to catch up w the girls. Well, the price to pay for being away for 3 weeks. haha.. =)
People, I am back =)
Back from 23days in China, I feel like half a KunMinger. I know the place better than my Sg pals there and sometimes even better than my leader who is there for 2yrs already.
Many people asked me about my trip. One word in summary- Challenging. Last yr the same thing at the same place, but its more fun. Seems like this yr, there were so many things tt I need to learn and that totally blew my mind. For example, you cannot trust the pple totally, you need to be wise in your dealings with them. I am learning.. Trying very hard to learn this. Mayb working in a youth ministry I have learnt to let go totally and treat each teen as real as I am. But when I go over there, I am told not to believe in pple easily no matter how friendly they seem to you. Its hard, but its reality..
I also learn that any connections I have with the pple wil impact the ministry there and affect the work that they are doing. I really need to be asking for wisdom as to what would be helping them and what would not be helping them. really pray that I will be more of a help than a hinderance.
How come I nv learn these in the first yr? How come I learn it so hard this yr? I am stil in the process of dealing with my feelings and thoughts regarding this. Asking God to give me His grace to accept this.
Coming back to Sg, I feel at home. Maybe I was not really focus while I was there. While I was there, my mind was always in Sg and the people here. Maybe this helped me in settling back here. Yet now that I am back here, my mind also think abt the people there. How confused can a person get? I feel spilt. Its hard to be seperated from the people who you know are dear to you. and I have people dear to me both here and in China. Its tough. May God help me..
Thankfully I got to meet up w the friends I got to know last yr. Knowing them for a yr seems different. We seem closer this yr though we nv really kp in touch, but the bond is there. I feel so close to them and a few of them also told me that this yr felt different from last yr cos the bond is much stronger. Its a miracle that we can stil kp in touch and meet one another aft 1 yr. Its very special and precious to me which I shall treasure in my heart.
Now I dun hv muz time to think about these. Shall have to put them on hold for a moment bcos work are waiting for me to settle and rally is coming. Praying for God to give me His inspiration to know how to bless the teens. there is much to catch up w the girls. Well, the price to pay for being away for 3 weeks. haha.. =)
People, I am back =)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Miss you all
These people really make me feel like crying.. Jus received some farewell wishes from Jo, Josh, and their mum. N receive Rach's sms. Sigh.. I will miss them. No wonder I cannot be a missionary because I hv too many people whom I wil miss dearly here.
Each farewell wish makes me feel like crying. This is the longest time I am gg to be away from home and away from the people I love. So its sad for me. Plus the fact that I will miss so many things while I am away makes me miss them all the more. Salt retreat, christmas rally etc. They say they will call me and collect offering to pay for the phone bill.. so cute right. Imagining doing that! =)
I hope I wont cry at the airport tml.. I wld look so dumb. cos its just like 3 weeks.. 3 weeks wl pass and I will be back.. Thank you for missing me and finding me impt enuff to you to be missed.
God keep them when I am not ard. Help me to know and trust you as the faithful God who will protect them from the evil one. Keep the little one at home and keep him safe and growing healthy. I pray that the time when we meet again, we will once again praise Your name.
Protect Serene from the evil one as she takes the step of faith in baptism. Protect her against the scheme and lies of the evil one and reveal your truth to her. Truth that she is loved, precious and important. Pray that as she live out the truth, she will become beautiful, the woman you have created her to be. In Jesus' name, Amen
Each farewell wish makes me feel like crying. This is the longest time I am gg to be away from home and away from the people I love. So its sad for me. Plus the fact that I will miss so many things while I am away makes me miss them all the more. Salt retreat, christmas rally etc. They say they will call me and collect offering to pay for the phone bill.. so cute right. Imagining doing that! =)
I hope I wont cry at the airport tml.. I wld look so dumb. cos its just like 3 weeks.. 3 weeks wl pass and I will be back.. Thank you for missing me and finding me impt enuff to you to be missed.
God keep them when I am not ard. Help me to know and trust you as the faithful God who will protect them from the evil one. Keep the little one at home and keep him safe and growing healthy. I pray that the time when we meet again, we will once again praise Your name.
Protect Serene from the evil one as she takes the step of faith in baptism. Protect her against the scheme and lies of the evil one and reveal your truth to her. Truth that she is loved, precious and important. Pray that as she live out the truth, she will become beautiful, the woman you have created her to be. In Jesus' name, Amen
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Love
Gg to China tml morning.. need to check in at 610am.. Thank God for many good friends who will come and send me off. I told my sis that I know I am loved.. I am glad to be one of those who can make this claim in my life- that I am loved.. Not saying this out of pride or wat, but a genuine appreciation of the people who love me and the love God has shown me. There were times when I feel unloved, unappreciated.. but those were the times when I was young and insecure.. as I grow, I grew to be more secure and know that I know that I am loved.
I am reminded of God's love. That I love because He first loved.. In my life, I try to imitate Him. I love others first and I am very happy to say that I see my love yielding harvest.. I know that there are many times when I am tired of loving and I often ask myself "for what?". "For what am I doing this? Y do I give off myself to the point of hurting myself?" Weiqi told me before that I need to learn to keep my hands to myself and not to stretch it out all the time for others. Sometimes i feel so stupid when I stretch out my hands to help and the person jus hit my hand in return. I so feel stupid.. But yet, I cant bear to keep my hands. I do want to give help and I do want to love.
Not that I love everyone, but I love those whom God has given me a special burden to love. For example in camp, God has given me Joash to help and love and so I love them. Not that I dont love all the rest of the teens. I do yet I have limited energy and capacity to show it. The most I can manage at the camp was a very warm smile and a greeting to check how they are at the camp. This is wat I mean by loving those whom God has given me to love.
Want to say that there are many whom I love and I know love me. Thank especially for my old old friends who love me, Yee Jia, Serene, Doreal, Jac. And not so old friends who love me, Geok, TingLing, Weiqi, ZhengQiang, Junhao, Elijah, Liao Ling. Uni friends who love me, Cheewei, Soon Kiet, Callin, Kris, HuiLing, Chailing, Rob. My mentors who love me, Robert, Kia Yuan, Marge, LeeYin, SiewLim, Chung. My girls who love me, Huimei, Rach, Ruth, Char, Santi, Suyin, Eunice, Nat, Samantha. The boys who love me, Sam, Jo, Josh. Even the new friends I made at camp, Vin n Weichin, they wanna help me carry luggage when I return.. I have a family who love me.. The greatest thanksgiving I can give to God today is the gift of Love. Am I too mushy? I hope not. These come fr my heart.. That day when I went to send the SHSS boys off, I was telling RX that these boys are fortunate. He thot I was referring to their opp to travel all ard. But I told him no. They are fortunate bcos they have ppl who care enuff to go and send them off. So i pray that they will love that they are loved. I pray that everyone will know that they are loved.
About China, I pray for safety and a fruitful trip. I pray that God will take care of my loved ones in Sg esp my family and my girls and boys. I pray that God will keep them and will give me peace to know that they are in His safe hands.
I am reminded of God's love. That I love because He first loved.. In my life, I try to imitate Him. I love others first and I am very happy to say that I see my love yielding harvest.. I know that there are many times when I am tired of loving and I often ask myself "for what?". "For what am I doing this? Y do I give off myself to the point of hurting myself?" Weiqi told me before that I need to learn to keep my hands to myself and not to stretch it out all the time for others. Sometimes i feel so stupid when I stretch out my hands to help and the person jus hit my hand in return. I so feel stupid.. But yet, I cant bear to keep my hands. I do want to give help and I do want to love.
Not that I love everyone, but I love those whom God has given me a special burden to love. For example in camp, God has given me Joash to help and love and so I love them. Not that I dont love all the rest of the teens. I do yet I have limited energy and capacity to show it. The most I can manage at the camp was a very warm smile and a greeting to check how they are at the camp. This is wat I mean by loving those whom God has given me to love.
Want to say that there are many whom I love and I know love me. Thank especially for my old old friends who love me, Yee Jia, Serene, Doreal, Jac. And not so old friends who love me, Geok, TingLing, Weiqi, ZhengQiang, Junhao, Elijah, Liao Ling. Uni friends who love me, Cheewei, Soon Kiet, Callin, Kris, HuiLing, Chailing, Rob. My mentors who love me, Robert, Kia Yuan, Marge, LeeYin, SiewLim, Chung. My girls who love me, Huimei, Rach, Ruth, Char, Santi, Suyin, Eunice, Nat, Samantha. The boys who love me, Sam, Jo, Josh. Even the new friends I made at camp, Vin n Weichin, they wanna help me carry luggage when I return.. I have a family who love me.. The greatest thanksgiving I can give to God today is the gift of Love. Am I too mushy? I hope not. These come fr my heart.. That day when I went to send the SHSS boys off, I was telling RX that these boys are fortunate. He thot I was referring to their opp to travel all ard. But I told him no. They are fortunate bcos they have ppl who care enuff to go and send them off. So i pray that they will love that they are loved. I pray that everyone will know that they are loved.
About China, I pray for safety and a fruitful trip. I pray that God will take care of my loved ones in Sg esp my family and my girls and boys. I pray that God will keep them and will give me peace to know that they are in His safe hands.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Exhausation
I can feel my brain burning.. Fatigue fr camp plus the prep for the trip is crazy. Thank God that I managed to get some time off from all these things at dinner with Eddie. Jus received a mail fr Chung. Pushing me to a higher level and expanding my capacity. Chung like to do this. To push my limit and to expand my capacity. Sometimes I feel like complaining yet this is nt the spirit. God give me joy.
I feel like a zombie, w a body but disconnected with my heart and soul. Except when I am talking to people and reflecting on this blog here. Expressing myseld helps me to connect to reality. Every time after a trip/ camp, I cant seem to come back to reality. I am stil stuck at camp, my heart and mind. I am still functioning on a mental and physical level, but emotionally I am really nt there. Today as I meet Rach n Char, I am stil fine, but when I go to Samantha's hse, I really hv to drag myself back before I disconnect.
I saw Evelyn when i was at bugis getting some stuff. I was talking to her and then i realise that I am feeling tense and stress.. from all the info that I need to handle eg. travel insurance, prep testimony, new shopping list for chung, getting things fr ppl to pass it to her. I must say I am only gg thru it w a smile cos of God's grace. Otherwise I might hv burst when I met her church friend n her sis to collect the stuff. God protect me fr burn out pls.
Anyway its a good time of meeeting w Rach, Char, Samantha & Reb. We talk abt camp and nothing muz.. Jus camp.. haha.. I am happy for the so positive experience, the things they learnt and the relationships made. I told rach & char that I wld nt be there camp advisor nxt time.. this is for their good so that they can learnt to be leader. I feel as if I am the leader in this camp.. Rach said that I filled in her gap for the things that she cannot do.. but haha.. nxt time, she jus got to do it! But ok i must say she has shown teachability in this camp as well. To push her own limits! welldone! Char too.. breaking out of her bubble.. welldone!
aft all this reflection still feeling tensed up.. ok my last weapon. the weapon of prayer..
Once again I know that tml will be good becos God is good and He will cont to be good forever. God help me to know deeply that you are good forever n ever
I feel like a zombie, w a body but disconnected with my heart and soul. Except when I am talking to people and reflecting on this blog here. Expressing myseld helps me to connect to reality. Every time after a trip/ camp, I cant seem to come back to reality. I am stil stuck at camp, my heart and mind. I am still functioning on a mental and physical level, but emotionally I am really nt there. Today as I meet Rach n Char, I am stil fine, but when I go to Samantha's hse, I really hv to drag myself back before I disconnect.
I saw Evelyn when i was at bugis getting some stuff. I was talking to her and then i realise that I am feeling tense and stress.. from all the info that I need to handle eg. travel insurance, prep testimony, new shopping list for chung, getting things fr ppl to pass it to her. I must say I am only gg thru it w a smile cos of God's grace. Otherwise I might hv burst when I met her church friend n her sis to collect the stuff. God protect me fr burn out pls.
Anyway its a good time of meeeting w Rach, Char, Samantha & Reb. We talk abt camp and nothing muz.. Jus camp.. haha.. I am happy for the so positive experience, the things they learnt and the relationships made. I told rach & char that I wld nt be there camp advisor nxt time.. this is for their good so that they can learnt to be leader. I feel as if I am the leader in this camp.. Rach said that I filled in her gap for the things that she cannot do.. but haha.. nxt time, she jus got to do it! But ok i must say she has shown teachability in this camp as well. To push her own limits! welldone! Char too.. breaking out of her bubble.. welldone!
aft all this reflection still feeling tensed up.. ok my last weapon. the weapon of prayer..
Once again I know that tml will be good becos God is good and He will cont to be good forever. God help me to know deeply that you are good forever n ever
Monday, December 11, 2006
Just some thoughts
I would say I am a person of much thoughts esp recently since camp jus ended. My mind is is some mess with many things demanding my attention. Thoughts abt the camp stil linger, planning for KM trip demands my attention, planning to meet the girls before I fly off and evaluation of the camp together with them etc. Not that I am finding all these a dread, just tt my mind gets a lil too occupied sometimes. Other than these planning, i would say the matter matter that really is on my mind is relational issues..
Many times to be like Jesus is tough. It requires u to endure the things u dun wanna to endure, obliged you to say the truth in love, though you don wanna say them at all. How I feel when I go thru all these and at such a time like this? I must say I feel as since a knife is cutting thru my heart now. To be misunderstood just like Jesus was. It hurtful.. Yet what can I say? Nothing. Cos Jesus said nothing. His actions prove His everything. I have learnt to say nothing. Because God has taught me that He is my protector and I dont have to be my own hero. I can leave many things to God.
I used to be v anxious when people are upset with me, cos I dont like to offend people. Maybe I am a people pleaser. I like people to think well of me. So whenever people misunderstand me I wil feel uneasy and I wld see the need to clarify the situation immediately. That helped me feel better. But i realised that I am only inside a trap, a vicious cycle where I gain no freedom out of this. I wld fear people and their opinion of me forever.
Thank God that He provided me with a way out of this. He showed me that for Him to truly be my protector, I got to let Him protect me.. Practically I learnt that I just got to stop defend myself. So nowadays when I sense that there are people who misunderstand me, I would just let God handle it. is it tough? You bet! Like I say I wld feel as if a knife is cutting thru my heart. I wonder if anyone feels tt way before? This feeling is v v real for me, almost to the point of physical pain. God made me relational, and I know that if Satan wanna attack me, he wld attack me r/s with people. Its always easier to take things into my own hands then to let God work in His own time. I just got to trust. Another reason that kinda helped me to let be my protector, is also the fact that I am tired of protecting myself.. Father I pray that I may nv have to reach a point of desperation before I depend on you.
On a brighter note, I just wanna share 3 things about myself (2 truths and 1 lie). Its a game I played yday at Val's hse. so guess which is the lie? 1stly, the highest praise given me is that I have a compassionate heart. 2ndly, the greatest thing I wld do for someone I love is to take care of him/ her. 3rdly, the greatest reward fr the recent Nav camp is the relationships made.
If you know me well enuff, the lie is the 2nd one. The greatest things I wld do for the ones I love is to die for him/her- just like Jesus. I got all fooled at the game! no one cld guess the correct one! haha.. did you? =)
tml the sun wil stil shine, morning will stil come. and I wil stil proclaim that God is Good~
Many times to be like Jesus is tough. It requires u to endure the things u dun wanna to endure, obliged you to say the truth in love, though you don wanna say them at all. How I feel when I go thru all these and at such a time like this? I must say I feel as since a knife is cutting thru my heart now. To be misunderstood just like Jesus was. It hurtful.. Yet what can I say? Nothing. Cos Jesus said nothing. His actions prove His everything. I have learnt to say nothing. Because God has taught me that He is my protector and I dont have to be my own hero. I can leave many things to God.
I used to be v anxious when people are upset with me, cos I dont like to offend people. Maybe I am a people pleaser. I like people to think well of me. So whenever people misunderstand me I wil feel uneasy and I wld see the need to clarify the situation immediately. That helped me feel better. But i realised that I am only inside a trap, a vicious cycle where I gain no freedom out of this. I wld fear people and their opinion of me forever.
Thank God that He provided me with a way out of this. He showed me that for Him to truly be my protector, I got to let Him protect me.. Practically I learnt that I just got to stop defend myself. So nowadays when I sense that there are people who misunderstand me, I would just let God handle it. is it tough? You bet! Like I say I wld feel as if a knife is cutting thru my heart. I wonder if anyone feels tt way before? This feeling is v v real for me, almost to the point of physical pain. God made me relational, and I know that if Satan wanna attack me, he wld attack me r/s with people. Its always easier to take things into my own hands then to let God work in His own time. I just got to trust. Another reason that kinda helped me to let be my protector, is also the fact that I am tired of protecting myself.. Father I pray that I may nv have to reach a point of desperation before I depend on you.
On a brighter note, I just wanna share 3 things about myself (2 truths and 1 lie). Its a game I played yday at Val's hse. so guess which is the lie? 1stly, the highest praise given me is that I have a compassionate heart. 2ndly, the greatest thing I wld do for someone I love is to take care of him/ her. 3rdly, the greatest reward fr the recent Nav camp is the relationships made.
If you know me well enuff, the lie is the 2nd one. The greatest things I wld do for the ones I love is to die for him/her- just like Jesus. I got all fooled at the game! no one cld guess the correct one! haha.. did you? =)
tml the sun wil stil shine, morning will stil come. and I wil stil proclaim that God is Good~
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Nav Camp again
As I interact with more teens, I get more n more thankful. Thankful in the way God helped me n the TNT to plan the team in such a way that alomost everyone is telling me that they hv enjoyed their team so muz.. including muyself. It has been a long while since I feel that I cant bear to leave nav camp.. the feeling is here again..
As i sms daniel, he told me tt he look forward to the reunion on 23rd.. a shame tt i cant be there.. n i talk to louis over msn, his nickname has the work Joash and the camp verse. even sam, eunice, rostina all miss their team.. even me too.. I think I am a crazy advisor.. i hv nv seen any advisor so involve in their team b4.. i muz b crazy. i feel like i m part of the team lo.. haha. a crazy team deserves a crazy team advisor.. haha. King mun n me agree tt we have a good good team.. All the way Joash!! U r really great. Each one of you contributed to the team in ur special way..
the boys are gg to Korea tml.. I m gg to surprise them by sending them off.. haha.. only Vin know.. think Louis n WC wil b so shocked. nt gg to tell them haha! Wonder how i can bless them.. Oli is gg to give them a daily bread to encourage them to read it daily in Korea.. tt's a great idea. but what can i do? mayb give them a tms pack. haha they wil sure die.. Vin hv alrdy started to do his QT, pray tt it will be on a daily basis n consistent one also. nd to warn him abt the aft effects of the camp lest he thinks tt the effects of nav camp wil last forever. we stil nd to go to God for our daily manna.
Father u wan us go to u daily cos we need ur daily.. Nv let me forget u Lord. as the song goes, "my heart forever is wandering" Let me always go back to u Lord when I wander..
As i sms daniel, he told me tt he look forward to the reunion on 23rd.. a shame tt i cant be there.. n i talk to louis over msn, his nickname has the work Joash and the camp verse. even sam, eunice, rostina all miss their team.. even me too.. I think I am a crazy advisor.. i hv nv seen any advisor so involve in their team b4.. i muz b crazy. i feel like i m part of the team lo.. haha. a crazy team deserves a crazy team advisor.. haha. King mun n me agree tt we have a good good team.. All the way Joash!! U r really great. Each one of you contributed to the team in ur special way..
the boys are gg to Korea tml.. I m gg to surprise them by sending them off.. haha.. only Vin know.. think Louis n WC wil b so shocked. nt gg to tell them haha! Wonder how i can bless them.. Oli is gg to give them a daily bread to encourage them to read it daily in Korea.. tt's a great idea. but what can i do? mayb give them a tms pack. haha they wil sure die.. Vin hv alrdy started to do his QT, pray tt it will be on a daily basis n consistent one also. nd to warn him abt the aft effects of the camp lest he thinks tt the effects of nav camp wil last forever. we stil nd to go to God for our daily manna.
Father u wan us go to u daily cos we need ur daily.. Nv let me forget u Lord. as the song goes, "my heart forever is wandering" Let me always go back to u Lord when I wander..
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