He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry..

Isaiah 30:19b- He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you.

Yday, Sunday, was a horrible day with Oswald. He seems to be crying at the slightest sound, change in environment or touch. N when he cries, he is only comforted by hugs and carrying. It really stresses me. N when I am stress, Paul needs to handle both me and the baby.

As I was strolling him in the home, i picked up a verse and Isa 30:19b was the verse. It was God's promise to Oswald. N i recited the verse to him again n again and committed it to my memory.

I was alone with him this whole morning while Paul is away at work and mum in law had to be in the hospital for some stuff. I am so glad Oswald is less whiny today. N he seems to be more secure after the whole lot of assurances that we have been showering him.

Thank God for His grace. Indeed His grace is sufficient for us each day. If Oswald were to be so whiny today instead of yday, I would have stress to death.

This is my baby boy and I wish he would be so peaceful all the time. He turns purple when he screams!

Yday's episode makes me wonder if I can cope with being with baby alone. It also helps me to see my own boredom coop up at home with baby all day long. Guess, its the blues and the whole adjustment of lifestyle.

I am glad that my confinement is coming to an end. But then again, as long as Oswald is small, I will be confined to a certain extent.

Jokingly, I told Paul that he shd be on maternity leave and take care of baby cos I am so bored at home. While he on the other hand loves to stay home. Look at his sleepy face. He has to work and care for baby at night together with me. He has day and night shift. I feel so bad for him.. But I really cant cope caring for baby 24/7.. Thank God for Paul..

Thank you Lord for another day of Your grace. Pls continue to sustain me..

Post Natal..

this is my Oswald boy.. can u believe it, i m typing this sentence n carrying him in my arms.. he started crying all of sudden! n when placed down prematurely, he wld start to cry..

It has been 17 days since Oswald came into this world.

Its tiring for me as I seek to recover my strength from the delivery.. Lots of blood loss allow me to experience for the first time the feeling of being faint.. I was just bleeding and bleeding on the hospital bed after the labor..

I had a 13 hour labor. I calculated it from the time i experienced my mild contraction to the time when Oswald was finally born. I remember my contraction became really unbearable from 7am in the morning and I was groaning in pain.. I guess I might have scare the other ladies in the room. They were either undergoing epidural or having c-section, so no groaning pain from them.

Anyway, I seem to lose track of time from 7am to 1pm. the next time I know is that the nurses came periodically to update me on the dilation. It went on pretty well, otherwise I would suffer longer time in pain. Finally, at 1pm, my gynae said that I am ready to go into the labor theatre. N it was an hour of bleeding, pushing on command, n breathing.. At 1.59pm, Oswald is born!

I remember in my grogginess that the gynae apologize to me because he didnt expect Oswald to be 4.18kg! He thought he might just be 3.5kg. Otherwise he would recommend for C-section. I am kinda of glad he didnt know so that I dont need to go thru c-section.

There was supposed to be a final contraction expel the placenta, but none came. Gynae decided that my placenta was too exhausted from the labor, therefore he had to vacuum my placenta.. It was then more pain while he massage my tummy to expel the placenta. As he stitch me up, i was glad i was too groggy to feel anything anymore.. but i am glad i could still carry baby and breastfeed him because he became hungry in his first hour of birth and was crying so bad.

I have completed a milestone in life. Nothing I have done in the past, or may do in the future could match up to the labor experience. (Maybe the sleepless nights, diaper change, examination of his poo-poos can match up to that)

It has been stressful. Though I have the help of my mum n sis-in-law, but I know I got to learn to cope with it on my own with Paul somehow. Their help is merely short term, so I need to learn the skill of coaxing baby to sleep, reading his signals.. N it does not help that he gets impatient quite easily and soft cries turns to loud screams rather quickly. N during the day he is rather active, which means I cant catch up on my sleep lost in the night..

Some progress have been made, such as, he seem to be able to differentiate between day n night and my night duty has been rather easy. He wakes for milk and goes back to sleep after diaper change. But my confidence level is still kinda low. What will happen when my mum n sis-in-law returns to M'sia.

Other than coping with him, I also have to learn to cope with my own changes. Change in body shape (eager to get back into shape), change in lifestyle (felt so coop up at home), change in the number of family members at home, learning to stay with mum n sis-in-law.. So many changes taking place at one go! I nearly went mad with the changes.. Thank God for his sustaining grace that brought me through the challenging first 10 days.

O God, pray for your all sustaining grace to help me cope with the Gift you have given me. Give me your patience that I may learn to take thing easy. Help Paul and myself to get to know Oswald more and more. Sometimes I forget he is only 17days old...

Challenging though it may be, Oswald is God's gift for me n Paul.. n His grace will abound..

Delivery Day= Birthday!!

Oswald bday shall be 31 March 2011!!! =) Gynae planned to induce birth on 30 March, and by 31 March 2011, Oswald shall be born. On 30 March, I need to be admitted to the hospital for surgical induction. Suppose to sleep there but I wonder how I can fall asleep? In a few hours, labor pain should set in. Afterwhich, normal delivery should follow. Read online about induction methods and its kinda scary where things have to be inserted into your vaginal. I thought that sounds uncomfortable and therefore how am I suppose to sleep? But whatever it is, praying for a safe and smooth delivery for Oswald and myself. I am happy that Oswald will be born in 1 day's time. Now at the same time, I am beginning to feel a sense of loss if I were to lose my big tummy (despite all the inconveniences it has been giving me, there is a strange sort of attachment) I reminded myself that the big tummy is not the real thing, but Oswald the child is the REAL thing! So I do not need to be overly attached to my tummy and lose focus on my child. He is practically poking his limbs out from my tummy and I should rejoice that he is coming OUT into the world!! =) =) Oswald, all the way!! =) We love you..

Anniversary and wedding day

13 March 2011, Paul and my 1st year anniversary of marriage.

Nothing spectacular and nothing pretty much that I can do with my physical condition, but we did some celebration.

What else can I do now but to enjoy my food =)

(Notice how low my tummy is? That week end, i enter into my 37th week of pregnancy and noticed that my tummy droop to a all time low! It was sliding downward a lot, and created a lot of pressure on the lower half of the tummy)

Anyway, talking about enjoying my food, I brought Paul to this place in Geylang for some HongKong dim sum for breakfast. His first time there, while I have nt been there for awhile. He love the food there especially the chicken feet. Didnt know he love chicken feet so its considered learning something new about him on our anniversary.. It was a simple fare, but bcos of the rustic feel of the shop, we felt very special!

=) See how Paul's chopstick went straight to the chicken feet! =)

N today is Jinsha's wedding.. Look forward to seeing him on his very special day with his bride =)

Week 37- Dying to be there

When I was in my 34th week of pregnancy, I hope to deliver Oswald at week 37 but nope, it did not happen yet..

It so tiring to be carrying a "bowling ball" everywhere you go, bearing with the itch, discomfort in all your activities, and the suffering the pain when baby stretches himself.

I kinda think that the miracle of experiencing baby moving in you is a bit over romanticized. Many mothers was just ga-ga-ing over the fact that they can feel and see their baby moving inside of them, but no one told me about the pain I would experience. Sometimes, it hurts so bad i just want to smack my tummy and ask Oswald to stop. Well, well.. does not sound like his fault but...

Had some episode of near birth, but I was just have some signs of false labor but after waiting for awhile, i know times not up for Oswald yet. Last night, I was just experiencing pain and aches that I thought might be signs of labor. I asked God for wisdom to help me discern if it indeed is. It turn out otherwise..

If I were to go into labor the very next minute, I would be very excited!!!! No fear or whatsoever, just excitement and impatience!! ha! Dont care even if my mother in law is not here yet to care during the confinement period. I have some level of confidence that I can do it on my own! Why need to eat all those ginger, vinegar, heaty and oily food? I always think about our ang moh friends in other parts of the world who gave birth and just eat normal stuff.

In any case, i am praying everyday and telling Oswald everyday that I look forward to him seeing the world SOON!

Lucas- Going on 5years

Finally got to transfer Lucas' picture into my Macbook..

Meeting Lucas and my parents each week has become my priority. Even in my heavy pregnancy, I want to make it a point to meet up with them.

Lucas is really animated.. Look at all his drama faces. =)

Him and his teddy bear drawing block.. N his botak head!

This pic when he was just about 3 years old.. His cheeky pattern starts since..

And as he enters into the year 2011, approaching 5 years old, his drama faces are... (make me speechless)

I could not interpret this picture until he told me he is imitating kolar bear! Hahaha!!!!

Looking at Lucas staying with my parents, I really appreciate how my parents have taught him to just appreciate the simple things in life. His pencil case is not overloaded with fanciful pens/pencils/ erasers like some kids. Well, yes he has a Transformer pencil case (his dad bought for him) but inside he only has a pen and a pencil. Another pencil given (or borrowed) by his teacher which he uses but never dare to sharpen it because it belongs to his teacher and not his! And his hairstyle.. its only short or long.. but the style remains the same forever!

As I think of Oswald, I pray that as he is cared for by my parents daily, he will also develop a lifestyle of simplicity.. N appreciate the simple things in life. I pray also that Lucas and Oswald will be like David and Jonathan in the bible- the best of friends and brothers.

Week 34- Almost there

This week, Oswald is 34weeks old. He weighs about 2.6-3kg (a big baby) and estimated to be 50cm. He should be due in about 6weeks time. I hope he can come a little faster though (maybe in another 3 weeks?)

Watching some video on natural birth can be scary... The excruciating pain the women experience, some shouting and groaning.. I wonder how I would look like.

Within all my means, I hope that I can have a natural birth without having to have epidural. God has design us (or curse us?) to be able to suffer the pain of labor. Since God has designed me this way, then I should be able to do so without the pain relief medication.

Pray that God will give me all the self-control I need to apply the breathing techniques I have learned. Pray also for God to guide Oswald gently but swiftly down the birth canal. N for God to relieve my pain during birth. Pray for Paul to have wisdom to know what to do to handle the labor. Calm our anxiety and experience his peace all throughout labor and birth.

Its a new experience and not sure how I am going to handle it. But no point dwelling too much over it because since its unavoidable, so I think I will just have to go through it.

Oswald, together with God (protecting us), your dad and your mum, we can make it! Love to see you soon!

Hang in there..

I feel irritable, and guilty at times.

When Oswald moves so much that it hurts, I feel angry. But at the same time guilty because its not his fault that he is moving so much. The emotions are too mixed and I cannot reconcile them. So on occasions, the pent up emotions just let go.

Cant wait for Oswald's birthday to arrive. In view of the 4months maternity leave, i need to hang some work in the air. Plans have to be put on hold. Waiting seems to be the purpose of this season. N I am impatient.

Cant sleep last night.. Reflected on my work.. Seem to be deviating from what I think SW is, aligning more and more to the church. For some time, I have reconciled my struggles in my work, because I put aside my old way of thinking abt SW. My approach to my clients and what I believe should be the helping goal now becomes so much more focus (even narrow) as I think of how I do my work. N i am limited in helping them bcos my core commitment is to safeguard the project integrity.. In my work, I hope that I do not repeat doing the same things for this coming year. But to seek improvements in the way I do things and to always clarify the purpose. Although disturbing, bt at least, I come to learn something..

Hang in there LJ, and God will come..

Oswald- Week 28

At Week 28, Oswald's presence is undeniably strong. He moves rather frequently, sometimes causing my belly shifting to the right and left. I am so worried that he may burst his water bag that keeps him so comfortable. My body does not feel like my own, and its hard to accept that. It is shared with Oswald and how I wish sometimes he will be born soon so that this weird feeling will be gone.

But I feel guilty for wishing for that. I mean he needs his fair share of time in my body to be strong. Ohhhh, I pray for patience. Maybe disciplining a child starts from the womb. Sometimes Paul would ask him to be still and keep quiet so that he wont disturb me so much. Am I too much? Anyway, maybe discipline really does start from the womb. I pray that he will know that I love him despite the discomfort I am experiencing.

Anyway, I sense that he may be born earlier than expected. Better be ready soon after CNY. The way he is kicking, that way he is pushing on my pelvic and how the gynae says his head position is a little lower, all these gives me the hunch that he may be born earlier. Well, well, actually I cant wait for him to be delivered.. Jia you Oswald!

God, pray for your hand to continue to knit and form Oswald. Pray that he will be looking forward to seeing this lovely world you have created for him to have dominion over.

A Random Christmas Gift

"You're one Beautiful Mother. May you have a Beautiful Son or Daughter...

Bet you gonna be a Great Mum for years and years.

Just so you know this is Just a random gift for this coming Christmas..."

Received this "random gift" from a stranger on the bus yesterday.

He boarded the bus, sat beside me, and started doodling on his notebook.

His arm keep knocking into mine in the process of doodling.. I was irritated with him.

When he sense that I was alighting the bus, he did not gave way for me to move from my seat right away..

I thought he was strange.

Suddenly, he handed me the note. I was taken by surprise and thank him for it.

N I realized it was a 'random gift' from a total stranger.

Still, it cheered me up. =)