一生忘不掉

有人和我说过，有些事一生也忘不掉。我也有同感。有些事可能一生也忘不掉。。

一些熟悉的话语，画面，味道，事物，甚至是音乐都能够牵动我的回忆。在我不知觉的时候牵动着我。。

我们经历的很多，真正在一起的时间不算多，可是一起分享的很多很多。

我选择放弃了。心中的痛慢慢的在发作。经历过几次这样的痛有好几次了，慢慢就会好的。至少我是这样想信的。可是回忆一生忘不掉。。

Beautifully Imperfect...

Read Abang's blog.. Reminded of the ad by NCSS recently.. "Beautifully imperfect" caught my attention.

Everything about life is imperfect but it can be beautiful at the same time. Isnt it said that "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." As I behold my family, my friends, and my life, what do I see? Beauty or imperfections?

A wonderful combination of beauty and imperfections. It reminds me to be truthful about my life. I dont have to put on the fake front that everything is perfect but it can be as beautiful. Sometimes I dont dare to face the imperfections in my life because it makes me downcast.

To be able to see the imperfections and appreciate the beauty behind goes beyond beautiful. It make me more courageous to face the future, for I have no fear of imperfections or failures anymore. I know there is beauty in all..

My sister broke down, but the beauty is that my dad is there to support her. He talks to her and advice her. My dad is far from perfect, but I saw beauty in him just last night. My mum was a drug addict, far from perfect, but beautiful in her diligence and care for the family. My sis' life deviates from what we normally would want, her beauty? In the way she cares for her relationship in her life.

God, you created the world perfect and beautiful. Right now, perfection has been tarnished by us. (Forgive us, Lord.) N beauty us what devil seeks to destroy. It seems hopeless to me. Yet I remember David's proclamation in Ps 27:13, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

Thy staff and thy rod, they comfort me...

I sense something wrong a few days ago. N last night she cried telling me that they have broken off after 2 years. I feel worried and burden for her. Other than that, I cant feel any empathay for her when she cried bitterly in front of me.

I only want her to get out of it and stop dwelling in it. N stop harping over it because there is no point. The point is not even in the relationship, the point is about her own growth. I tried to ask God to help me be kind and merciful, so the best I could manage is to listen to her.

But it affects everyone in the family to see her like this. I believe it affects the little boy as well because mother and son are connected in their spirit. Well at least that is what I believe.

Perhaps God has to sometimes bring us to the valley of the shadow of death before we can experience his COMFORTING rod and staff. Before that, God's staff and rod are only stumbling stone blocking us pursuing what we willfully wants.

You know what, staff and rod are used by the Shepherd to discipline the sheep. It hurts to be discipline. But David in Ps 23 says that "they staff and thy rod, they comfort me."

That's what i prayed for her- The Holy Spirit (Comforter, Helper who come alongside us.) will comfort and be with her. As we faces discipline, be glad to know that God cares for us to discipline us. It hurts but it helps us to grow.

Pray for her that God will protect her mind and heart.
Pray that she will recover in her heart, mind and spirit.
Pray that she will look at things from God's point of view.
Pray that as she recovers she will learn to love her son.
Pray for the little boy that God will protect him from bearing beyond what he can handle.
Pray for the boy and the mother to grow in understanding and love.

Over a cup of tea

What would you do for a cup of tea? Look at the pictures below...



SH had to use a knife to literally saw it!!!!!! N after sometime of sawing, his face was wet from perspiration. All over a cup of tea..

Life Race

The Race is over..

A deep breathe of relief... Been at this for 2 months... Not perfect but I choose not focus on the mistakes.

Throughout the event, the part that I enjoy the most is the debriefing with the SALT teens. Honest, genuine and humble. Thanks guys for the openness.

I know that sometimes JH, Doreal and myself dont lead well enough and we may not have given you enough guidance along the way, but thanks for bearing with us.

Ya I admit I was disappointed and frustrated with some teens along the way, but I pray that they will grow through this event.

With my working with Dor and JH, KY affirmed us for having great team work and help one another cover up for what we see not done, but I think our team work would have been smoother. Yes I agree we really complemented one another very well, covering up for what was lacking and taking charge of what needs to be done. But if there were better communications, we would hv reduce our stress level knowing that some particular levels are actually being covered already! haha!

Dor is strong is the details, covering the admin, registration. She is also creative in publicity, knowing what would help the teens to sign up with us.

JH is strong is planning the games, creative in his games ideas and also in ra-ra-ing with the crowd.

The way I see we work is that we come in when we see a gap. If we hv more opportunities to work together, with familiarity with one's style of working, I guess we can work with great dynamics. Sometimes we dont have to say so much and we kinda know that a particular area would be covered by one of us. Thanks Dor and JH for the support given to me and the teens. I appreciate it!

Blessed are those who find good working partners at work and ministry because it makes you love your job easier!

Busy busy..Emo emo

Busy busy.. I need God's grace.. Talking about seasons in life, this season is so rushy.. Good Friday should be remembering God, not rushing about like this.. But for the sake of the gospel, I am compelled. Only for the sake of God.. Help me O Lord..

Emo emo.. Angry, sad, trying to forgive, extending grace to the offenders.. I nv feel so hurt by gossips before. In Nav, we are a close-knitted community, even if we gossips, we are always encouraged to go back to the person we have issues against. This is what the bible exhorts us to do.

But people dont come to us. They go to others, and in this manner darken the understanding of others and create more misunderstanding. Why not come to us personally and allow us the priviledge to speak for ourselves? Why rely on your own understanding?

Sometimes I can pretend I dont know a thing, it helps me to relate better to others in the office. But at times like this, I just gotta let it out and do some emotional release. Transferring out has not resolved the issue. The damage is done, and what's done remains.. Only by the grace and mercy of God can I choose to let go and forgive. What is the intent of the gossip-monger? For our good?- if that is so, come to us personally (this is what the bible exhorts). For our bad- if so, then I have nothing to say, except may the mercy of God be with you..

But I feel bad for the one who has to endure the gossips for our sake. Ultimately, if we dont get it directly, then someone else has to get it lo.. Gossips gossips.. damaging gossips..

But O Lord, I know my intent.. I know your purpose.. Gossips or no gossips- they are non-essentials.. Focus on the one pursuit.. It clarifies my life, it intensify my energy.. Cannot let my energy dissipate by fighting the little pests.. Jia you Li Jie!!!!!!

Kids without Shepherd

I need to debrief myself for today's program.

There were many kids who came, many demanding attention, many who were rowdy etc.. Actually I dont feel overwhelmed.. I just need to sharpen my skills in knowing how to respond in a shorter time.

But I have the opportunity to impart valuable lessons for them today. Themes on honesty, sportsmanship and teamwork were all part of the debrief.

What is the more important learning point for me is that I find that I grew a little in my understanding of them, which also increases my empathy and hopefully makes me more effective in handling the children.

Really, the kids world are either black or white. That's why they are often very caught up with what is fair and what is not? If things are unfair to their advantage, of course they have no issue with it. But problems come if the situation is unfair to their disadvantage. I use to hate it when they come to me and scream unfairness into my ears. But come to think about it, the world really is unfair at times, but how do I help them to cope with this injustice. Before they know the good Lord, the Judge who rules and is Sovereign, how then can they cope with this sense of injustice in their heart?

"They are harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." I am thankful that I can input a little in their lives and that I may be like a shepherd. Each one of us needs an anchor in our hearts to guide us in our life direction. Without the anchor, we are lost, confused, harrassed, and ultimately purposely. I hope to build up that anchor in them that they may know how to direct their lives.

Restore their hearts Lord. Restore them that they may learn to trust, to take steps of faith in their lives to live their live to the fullness. You have come to give us life and life more abundantly..Thank you Lord

Every child is precious!

The children surprised me today when they were so well-behaved. Normally, they would refuse to leave the computer room when it comes to tea-break time. But today they do not have much difficulty doing that. Best of all is that before they come out, they remember to off the lights and air con, off the computer and the Wii. Of course some things were left undone but I am happy enuff!

I make it a point to remember to praise them! And praise them I did! They were so proud! Normally they would be singled out for mistakes and problems that they create, who would actually praise them? Can you imagine the impact it would have on them?

N this same group of boys actually took out the table and started studying on their own! I nearly fainted from pure delight! haha... I love them..

of course initially they were jsut copying.. But I make it a point to look through what they did. Some I refuse to mark their work because it was jsut copy work. But you know what made them treat their work seriously???? I have to narrate this story... =)

Fan was just copying the answers at the back of the book. I marked a little, told him to re-do some.. That of course didnt help cos he was still copying the 2nd and 3rd time round. What finally made him to be serious was when Danial started reading out the comments at the end of his page (I write a comment for every piece of work they gave me for marking). Maybe something in the comment inspired Fan to finally decide to try.. I was so touched.. I wanted to cry.. And he did try! When he passed me the book, he was so conscious of the mistakes he would make. But at the end I wrote him something and thank him for allowing me to mark him book. I would not see any expression on his face which betray his emotions. But I know that God is working in his heart.

In each of their hearts, God is working. Changing them, molding them, uplifting them... When you are serious with them, they take you seriously.. When you hand onto them, they do not give up on themselves. Sometimes, they depend on your strength to carry on.. They look at your faith in them to have faith in themselves.. God protect them from the evil one..

Every child is precious!

I need God..

I want to commit myself to write down about the children as long as I reflect on anything about them. The more I talk to SH, somehow the more I find that there is so much work to be done. O God, give me your patience and your wisdom.

Ry and Ami seems to be a little hard to receive instructions lately. They seem to want to play and play and unable to do anything else. When they come, they just want to play. Ami have been a little easily upset recently. Need to call his parents. Today I am so reminded that we need to be work in partnership with the parents. Jia works in school and her busy-ness does not give her this privilege to talk so much to the parents. But I am in a position to do so, and I want to do it. To talk to the parents about the children. Really I enjoy talking to the parents! ha!

But today I am also reminded that I need to also interact with other systems who are influences the students such as the schools. Pray that God will open the door for the school to meet up with us and for us to know them. I know this will be so much more effective if we collaborate with one another.

When I think about the amount of improvements that need to be made but I cant really sort them out clearly, I feel frustrated at myself. I want to neaten things out. I want to make it good and better. How should I do it? Oh man, I need divine wisdom and alot of focus. But when I have got other demands that takes up my energy, where else can I summon all those demands?

At the end of the day, the conclusion of the matter is this: I need God.. Love you my Lord..

Masked or unmasked?

To live an authentic life before self and others is an ideal I always pursue.. I try hard to maintain it, at the cost of my privacy. I truly desire to do that.

If I am a little more private, would I have less troubles in my life? If I am a little more guarded, perhaps I can do more without caring so much..

Do I want to hold on to my ideal? What on earth is it for? To live an authentic life before others was for the girls that I helped that they may know me. As I desire to share their lives, I am willing to share my lives with them.

I find that I am shifting again. It feels scary to shift from what I am so familiar with. Yet it feels so tiring to hold on to what I am so familiar with. A sense of responsibility and accountabilty holds me on tightly to what I am doing. Almost breathless, almost to my breaking. But I thought God is my All Sufficient. I should be able to do everything through Him who gives me strength, unless I am doing it wrongly. My Lord, my Lord.. I am at my breaking.. I cannot keep up with all the people you have entrusted to me. I am sorry. I want to pick them up again, yet I find no energy to do so. Or have I lost my focus? Am I too distracted?

Attracted by the glitters and sparkles in life, I find myself too attracted to the new and interesting things in life. As my interest grows (I dont dare to claim that it is passion yet), I fear that my interest will not last that long. I have been in Nav for 13 years. I feel the steam going out. Is it a question of passion? A matter of focus? Or do I just need some rest? What is it about?

What I once thought was my life direction, I think I have shifted. I dont dare to claim anything anymore. I fear to make such proclaimations of my life purpose and vision as it worry that it will reflect how foolish I am when i look back at myself few years down the road.

What can do I do the rest of my life? What does God want for the rest of my life? I long to stay long in a place, but I also fear the prospects of long unfruitful and boring years. Conflict is within me. The desire to commit long term, yet the fear of unfruitfulness. So I fear failure too much to commit?

Many possibilities before me, much doubts within me, past fears haunts me.. But to God I hold onto.. for there is no one else and nothing else...