Masked or unmasked?

To live an authentic life before self and others is an ideal I always pursue.. I try hard to maintain it, at the cost of my privacy. I truly desire to do that.

If I am a little more private, would I have less troubles in my life? If I am a little more guarded, perhaps I can do more without caring so much..

Do I want to hold on to my ideal? What on earth is it for? To live an authentic life before others was for the girls that I helped that they may know me. As I desire to share their lives, I am willing to share my lives with them.

I find that I am shifting again. It feels scary to shift from what I am so familiar with. Yet it feels so tiring to hold on to what I am so familiar with. A sense of responsibility and accountabilty holds me on tightly to what I am doing. Almost breathless, almost to my breaking. But I thought God is my All Sufficient. I should be able to do everything through Him who gives me strength, unless I am doing it wrongly. My Lord, my Lord.. I am at my breaking.. I cannot keep up with all the people you have entrusted to me. I am sorry. I want to pick them up again, yet I find no energy to do so. Or have I lost my focus? Am I too distracted?

Attracted by the glitters and sparkles in life, I find myself too attracted to the new and interesting things in life. As my interest grows (I dont dare to claim that it is passion yet), I fear that my interest will not last that long. I have been in Nav for 13 years. I feel the steam going out. Is it a question of passion? A matter of focus? Or do I just need some rest? What is it about?

What I once thought was my life direction, I think I have shifted. I dont dare to claim anything anymore. I fear to make such proclaimations of my life purpose and vision as it worry that it will reflect how foolish I am when i look back at myself few years down the road.

What can do I do the rest of my life? What does God want for the rest of my life? I long to stay long in a place, but I also fear the prospects of long unfruitful and boring years. Conflict is within me. The desire to commit long term, yet the fear of unfruitfulness. So I fear failure too much to commit?

Many possibilities before me, much doubts within me, past fears haunts me.. But to God I hold onto.. for there is no one else and nothing else...