in Christ... we love

I jus professed my love to Charlene.. haha.. =) Not tt kind tt u r thinking of.. But as I was telling her I love her, I kinda think i really do.. I wont dare to say that my love is the deep deep kinda love. But to a certain manageable degree I do. N i do love all the girls that God has placed in my love.. Each of them..

Huimei, Rachel, Ruth, Santi, Charlene, Suyin, Nat, Eunice, Samantha.. And now even the girls in Christ Church..

Dear girls, pls remember that my love will fail you. I will fail you somehow, someday.. So let's all put our security in Christ, and our hope in Him.. =) Its only in Him that we can love..

明白

有时候真的觉得好累。是不是真的该好好休息?不懂得休息的人是有什么问题吗？努力对我来说到底是有什么意义？我不懂。 懂不懂也没有关系。知道问题的由来并不代表能够解决问题。我曾经认为明白问题就能够有答案，所以我努力想要明白。可是事实并非如此。生活中的问题不是明明白白就能够得到答案的。因为生活太复杂。。没有几个人能够明白一切。即使明白了，大家明白的事都不一样。到底谁对谁错？谁明白的比较正确？没有人能够说得明白。你明白吗？因为我不明白。。。

现在已经不想再要明白什么。只有一件事是需要明白的--神的真理。因为神的真理是给我生命的真理。只有明白神的真理，我才能够得到释放，获得自由。在基督里我是谁？这是追求真理的我，最基本需要知道的。如果不了解在基督里所能够拥有的权力和丰盛的生命，那么，一切的真理都是枉然。

Drink Offering

God desires Obedience, not Sacrifice. Arent they the same? I used to think that to obey is a form of sacrifice. But Pastor tell me no.. He said to obey is to love..

I told Margaret, to obey is painful because it takes alot out of me.. I literally need to die to do that. Each time when it comes to obedience/ submission, I feel pain within me. N that pain must be because there was a sacrifice made. But she reminded me of "Obedience is better than sacrifice", so obedience and sacrifice must be different. I didnt understand her at that point.

I was reading and I came across it again- to obey is better than sacrifice. I prayed and ask God to show me whatever it means? He showed me that when I obey and I find it a sacrifice, its because I am FULL of MYSELF. If I am emptied of myself, then to obey is nature. To obey is no sacrifice. The so-called sacrifices I made are really no sacrifice at all.. (Its just like you would not call the maid at home making sacrifices when they are doing what they suppose to do rite. For those who find this too chim, hope this illustration helps you.)

So I prayed.. N i asked God to empty me.. I know that if I still have some bit of self in me, I am not truly serving Him.. In the name of serving Him, I could actually be serving myself such as making self look good in front of others. So i asked to be emptied.. I m not the kind to usually say that I was led by the Spirit. But I know I was led.. He led me to pray this prayer.. And right after praying, fear set in. Fear of not knowing what may happen to me. What does it mean to be emptied of self? Would it be even more painful?

Whatever it is, I have already prayed.. Watever it is, there is no turning back. Prayer is made.. I really admire Paul, his life is a drink offering..

When you see me downcast at times, know that I am merely gg thru this period in my life where God is reminding me so much of death. N in the face of death, being downcast is naturally.. I cant believe it that I witness 2 deaths a few days ago. Right in front of my eyes..

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.

I am learning...

I am learning to let go.. Not to only depend on my brains whenever things happen. Not to find a reason for everything.. To just let go, let event unfold and see where God leads.

This is the case with Christ Church, this is the case in my life, this is the case in my future.. This is the case everywhere.. "Thinking confuses the mind", I read somewhere.. I was struck by this statement. I tend to agree with it.. My thinking usually confuses me then give me clarity. But there are also times when my santified thinking brings me new insights. See I am confused now already.. thinking too muz..

Right now I am learning not to rely on the brains that God has given to me. Irony and sounds stupid. But I need to do that in order to rely on the Spirit that God has given to me too. Hopefully one day soon, my brain will be submitted to the Spirit. Right now I am just learning..

To learn to see the events happening around me, seeing God's hand in the events and to discern where He is leading. Just like Mary. I truly admire her for one thing, other than being courageous in bearing Jesus. I admire her for her heart. The bible says "she treasure all these things in her heart". She knows what it means to reflect in the events in life and to see and wait upon what God is doing in and around her.

Hopefully one day I can say "and Li Jie ponder and treasured all these things in her heart".
Help me dear Lord to see you working in every situation, to truly see Your omnipresence.

First Year Anniversary

Today is the first year anniversary of my full time work with the Navs..

I thank God for good friends like Serene, Margaret and WeiQi who helped me celebrate it.. =) Really really thank God for friends.. It was a pleasant surprise and it was really a surprise and they did it well.. Usually I can anticipate surprise and I hardly get surprise.. Actually didnt attribute much siginificance to the one yr anniversary.. But these friends did.. Thanks for appreciating me.. Though Margaret cant make it, she contributed too =) Thanks..

N Rachel brought me to HolidayInnAtrium restaurant today for a buffet lunch.. good food.. v v full.. but didnt think I ate alot.. feel tt its a waste.. But also thankful that God plan such a coincidence for me. To enjoy more and more good food to reward me for this anniversary.. (swim the fats away! haha)

Rachel, will continue to pray for you and always pray for you..

Wednesday gg to Tung Lok with YJ.. More good food.. Really thankful.. Looking forward to a good time with her. This is another plan by God to celebrate my anniversary.. =)

Lord, thank you for your encouragement and love..

Mental vs Emotions

Obey-Worship-Love. These three words are stuck in my head. and one night I actually cant sleep because I cant sense God's love. Because I believe that I cannot obey God in some areas, and therefore God cannot love me. For one moment, I actually feel that God has abandoned me.

Yes, the word there is "feel". I know mentally that God will not abandon me. But that night, I thought He does not love me anymore.. Somehow I feel cut off from emotions.. And i cant feel His love. And I cant sleep.. Its a scary feeling to be abandon by God. All security is gone, the purpose for existent is gone, and all the fundamentals that I have based my life on is gone. If I cannot feel God's love, then how can I go around telling people of God's love.. That would be hypocritical.

Cos I was meeting some Christ Church students the next day, I told God to help me minister to them. I cannot feel His love, but that does not mean I cannot talk about His love, and it does not mean I do not believe that He loves me. All I can do was to appeal on God's faithfulness to the girls and ask Him to minister to the girls, through me, even though I am an unfit vessel. I do not want to be a hypocrite talking about God cares for us when i cannot feel it. Yet mentally, I am still believing in that. I pray and ask God to be faithful to the girls and not let them suffer because I am suffering.. Wat a struggle between the mental and the emotions.

That night ended off with me reading the article on "God is the Shepherd" and reading all the verses on God's love.. Tt helps.. That helps me to at least be mentally assured that he loves ,e and I can sleep in peace at least for one night. I dunno wat happened tt night? Spiritual attack? Burn out? I guess its signs of burn out.. I have been working v hard.. Meeting after meeting, social meeting, work meeting, ministry meeting.. I am stretched.. I think one sign of burn out is that your emotions are really drained..cannot even feel God's love.

But I am better now.. thankful to God and Pastor John who counselled me..He taught me to recognized that God loves me not for wat I can do. Even when I cannot obey Him, He still loves me. Wat a simple truth we all know right? But to live it out is tough.. I have pride myself too much on wat I can do, and even unconsciously believe that God must be loving me because I am so good.. So how, I have become like the "righteous Pharisees". I am so so thankful that God has brought me back into His loving truth that He loves me. That I need to recognize that I am a Sinner loved by Him. And what He desire for me is not sacrifice, but mercy.. And He told me that only a sinner will know what mercy is.. Righteous people will not know mercy becuase they have not receive it from God. So now I know that God wants me to know that I am a hopeless sinner, whose only hope is in Him. and He wants me to know mercy..

I am still processing my thoughts.. All these truths are too wonderful for me to behold, must less write them down.. I cant express myself fully.. Maybe when I next blog, I will have further reflections on them..

To Her..

Have been talking to YJ periodically about some things.. Find it quite funny sometimes how we are similar and yet different.. And how in our situations we are encouraging one another.. Sometimes I dunno if we are encouraging one another to do the right thing or the wrong thing.. But nevertheless, when we talk, somehow the problems got minimized and then I find that thigns are nt tt bad after all. Thank you.. Somehow your perspective does matter to me. Your feel of my situations does contribute to my consideration.. I remember I was once too blind, too deaf to listen to you.. I may continue to be too blind, too deaf to listen to you.. but at times I still listen la.. haha..

This blog is dedicated for you.. I dunno how to make it sound sentimental enuff.. I cant stand mushy stuff.. So here you are..

Some Pics of Lucas

Yeejia say this is cute pic. i think so too.. I think its our best shot so far Lucas! =) He smile more naturally than me lo.. Hmm he so candid while I so fake can.. nxt time muz be more candid.. haha..


Say hi to Lucas people.. tt's him lying on my thighs.. sorry if u find this too "exposed". I mean I am at home n then I jus wanna show him lying on my thighs.. haha.. I am his biggest obstacle course! haha..=)

Well, he is a delight.. n perhaps my blog can become a diary of him growing up (secondary to my sis's friendsters tt is)

别人

是不是太执着,才会苦恼多.要是选择平平凡凡,烦恼就不会太多.和大家走的路一样,就不会有太多的闲言闲语.和大家有所不同所以才会惹来可怕的闲言.我的一生到地是为谁而活? (脑子里有许多别人对我说过的话,对我的要求,批评…好累.)

如果为自己,为什么我不敢做我想做的事. 如果为自己,为什么我需要去考虑别人的评价.如果为别人,我为什么那么不情愿.如果为别人,我为什么还会想到自己.我想我是要为自己生活,可是我没有办法不去想别人对我的看法.

再也许,如果我为耶穌而活,就能够有勇气面对所有的压力.可是为耶稣而活好辛苦.不要惊讶我也会说这样的话.因为我也只是人而已.是不是自己对神并不了解所以才会有那么多不必要的枷锁.耶稣说他来是要带给我生命,并且是丰丰富富的生命.可是为什么觉得活着好累.是我不了解丰丰富富的意义吗?我想是吧. 也许我想的太多了,我应该简简单单地过我的生活.

别人要说什么,关他的! 我有我的生活.我希望这不是自私的表现.我已经没有办法了.再烦恼下去,我会崩溃.我的思想需要放假.

请你给我你那丰丰富富的生命.
对不起,对你埋怨了那么多.请你原谅我.请你拯救我.你的名是我的依靠.在你里头,我可以安息.
对不起,我还学不会不去想别人对我的眼光.

Dear Girls...

Dear girls, as I was studying 2nd Timothy 3, Paul wrote that Timothy know about his teachings, his life, his purpose, his persections and so on.. It made me wonder if I have allowed you all to know my life. Maybe my teaching.. But how about my life, my purpose? Have I let you all seen it? Understand it?

Am I real to you? Do you know me or who I am? Paul also wrote that he is willing to share with the people not only the gospel but his life as well because they were so dear to him. When I share my life, I am worried that I may overwhelm you with the problems of "adults" (though all problems are essentially the same, whether you are adult or not.) I am worried that I may stumble you with the kinds of problem I am facing.. n sometimes, I just dunno how to share.. You are dear to me.. I only ask that when I share my difficulties with you, you will not be stumbled. Instead, look to God to deliver me, and ask God to help you look at them with the right perspectives.

have I expectations on you all? SURELY! Undeniably.. To claim that I love you all unconditionally and will not expect anything is to elevate myself to the level of God. Only God can do that.. I will make no such claims. My only expectation is that you love God.. Love God in all areas of yourlife and to ask God what delights His heart and what breaks His heart. As you do that, I feel my mission fulfilled, my effort worthwhile, my labor not in vain.. N i know that when you love God, you all will love me too.. =)

I pray that this expectations should not bring about pressure on you. At least not the same kind of pressure that a child suffers under a parent to achieve good grades.. God gives us time to grow, He shows us grace in our failings.. So be under His grace and patience and give yourself the time to grow. Do not be pressurized to be "perfect".

On the other hand, do not be slacken.. Do not take God's grace and patience for granted..I know some of you can be too easy with that and take God's grace for granted.. remember that God is not only Love, but He is justice and fairness as well..

What I like is this: God is not done with me, God is not done with you, God is not done with any of us. This gives me strength to be merciful to others who have offended me. This gives me hope that each of you will be more and more mature, growing in the likeness of Christ.

Dear girls, God made our paths to cross.. I dedicate this blog to each of you.. =)