Mental vs Emotions

Obey-Worship-Love. These three words are stuck in my head. and one night I actually cant sleep because I cant sense God's love. Because I believe that I cannot obey God in some areas, and therefore God cannot love me. For one moment, I actually feel that God has abandoned me.

Yes, the word there is "feel". I know mentally that God will not abandon me. But that night, I thought He does not love me anymore.. Somehow I feel cut off from emotions.. And i cant feel His love. And I cant sleep.. Its a scary feeling to be abandon by God. All security is gone, the purpose for existent is gone, and all the fundamentals that I have based my life on is gone. If I cannot feel God's love, then how can I go around telling people of God's love.. That would be hypocritical.

Cos I was meeting some Christ Church students the next day, I told God to help me minister to them. I cannot feel His love, but that does not mean I cannot talk about His love, and it does not mean I do not believe that He loves me. All I can do was to appeal on God's faithfulness to the girls and ask Him to minister to the girls, through me, even though I am an unfit vessel. I do not want to be a hypocrite talking about God cares for us when i cannot feel it. Yet mentally, I am still believing in that. I pray and ask God to be faithful to the girls and not let them suffer because I am suffering.. Wat a struggle between the mental and the emotions.

That night ended off with me reading the article on "God is the Shepherd" and reading all the verses on God's love.. Tt helps.. That helps me to at least be mentally assured that he loves ,e and I can sleep in peace at least for one night. I dunno wat happened tt night? Spiritual attack? Burn out? I guess its signs of burn out.. I have been working v hard.. Meeting after meeting, social meeting, work meeting, ministry meeting.. I am stretched.. I think one sign of burn out is that your emotions are really drained..cannot even feel God's love.

But I am better now.. thankful to God and Pastor John who counselled me..He taught me to recognized that God loves me not for wat I can do. Even when I cannot obey Him, He still loves me. Wat a simple truth we all know right? But to live it out is tough.. I have pride myself too much on wat I can do, and even unconsciously believe that God must be loving me because I am so good.. So how, I have become like the "righteous Pharisees". I am so so thankful that God has brought me back into His loving truth that He loves me. That I need to recognize that I am a Sinner loved by Him. And what He desire for me is not sacrifice, but mercy.. And He told me that only a sinner will know what mercy is.. Righteous people will not know mercy becuase they have not receive it from God. So now I know that God wants me to know that I am a hopeless sinner, whose only hope is in Him. and He wants me to know mercy..

I am still processing my thoughts.. All these truths are too wonderful for me to behold, must less write them down.. I cant express myself fully.. Maybe when I next blog, I will have further reflections on them..