Fully human, fully alive

I thank God for Mr. L who helped me see love and bond between father and sons.

Mr. L suffers from motor neuron disease and it is degenerative in nature. Right now, he is only able to move his head from left to right, talk normally, eat normally and is cognitively intact. That's all he has. This disease is degenerative in nature and soon he will lose all that he is able to do now.

Although he has no caregiver at home, he is willing to be at home and be taken care of his sons who can only give him irregular meals, bath his at irregular times. His elder son is mentally slow and still needs his supervision. His younger son is still too young and needs to be schooling and unable to care for Mr. L. Next year, his younger son will be going to NS. How will Mr. L care for himself than? However dear Mr. L would rather be at home with his sons suffering inconveniences than to be send to nursing home.

His sons misses him too. They want him home to care for him. I am not too sure about their level of commitment, but for someone who is dying, one day at home to be with his children is far too precious.
He sleeps with his younger son in the same bed. His son brings him to the toilet every night and turn his body around 3 hourly to prevent bedsores. In the morning, dear Mr. L wakes his son up to go to school. That's how he supervises and care for his sons.

Being in the hospital is too scary. Seeing other patients to be inserted with NG tube is too painful to bear and too scary a thought to entertain. Soon, he may face this reality. He has make his wishes. He does not want to be on NG tube and would rather die than to be sustain in this manner.

For me, I listen to Mr. L and facilitated his thought processing. Mayb having someone to listen to is the only other thing he can do now, since he can hardly move himself anymore.

Mr. L reminds me that if my world is not about myself, I become more fully human, more fully alive. Even though he has all the reasons to complain about God and the world, but he does not. He thinks for his sons.

Dear God, is it still possible for Mr. L to be healed? Still possible for him to walk again? Pray that Mr. L will exercise whatever faith that he has in your healing.

And the first shall be the last and the last shall be first- Matt 19:30

Agape Love

Oswald's first Chinese New Year is spent going to San Peh's house for reunion dinner. Going to Wan Qing Yuan (Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall) on the first day of CNY and finally the library on the 2nd day of CNY.

Look at Oswald so happy with his Ang Bao from me!! haha...

'

Bo Ai'= Agape love- my favorite calligraphy of Sun. Not that I can appreciate calligraphy, but I appreciate the revolutionary act that is motivated by agape love.

Just reflecting on my work in the hospital, I think agape love is really tough to put into action. I really hate dealing with anxious ++ family members.. sianz.... but thinking about it again, perhaps that happens because they lack God's peace.

But there have also been very nice patients who make helping much easier work to do.

Uncle Kia is one of those whom I got to know in the hospital. He has been taking care of this nutcase lady for about 27years. He calls her his ex-wife.. while she calls him husband. Anyway, Uncle Kia has been providing her with lodging, lending her some money, recommending her a job, and showing her concern. The thing is, this lady is a real nutcase. I believe anyone who sees her on the street would stay away from her. Her breathe leeks of alcohol, and cigarettes. She smashes things in the home when she is drunk and violent. This time round, Uncle Kia was hospitalized because she pushed him down during of their fights when she was drunk. This woman is so unhygienic to the point that Uncle Kia's home is infested of bedbugs because of her.

Uncle Kia has 2 children of his own. THey had wanted him to abandon her but he said that he would not because she has been caring for him for the past 27years as well... Now that he is unable to care for himself and require the care of his children, he has no choice but to let go. However as he stays with his children, he is leaving his flat for her to lodge in. He does not want to sell his flat away yet because he knows that this lady has nowhere to go.

Uncle Kia is a sweet and kind man. As he learns to let go of things that are already beyond him, he is a rested man. Uncle Kia does resembles a bit of agape love, to love the unlovable and those who cannot love him in return.. God bless his sincere love for others...

Been quite awhile since I catch some breath on this space. This space that allows me to remember the things that are important to me, and to remember the growing years of Oswald.

Paul and I have been wow-ing at how fast time flies for us and Oswald is now 9months, coming to 10months old! Sometimes we wished he could grow a little faster so that we could understand him verbally, and so we do not need to carry him so much (we are developing some muscles from carrying him.)

Oswald learning to stand at 8th months old and sustained a few bumps on his head along the way.

He is finding his way around the house and making up his own obstacle cross to overcome =) (At 9th month old)

His Christmas gift on his very first Christmas day! He is managing with biting the ball and trying to stand on the hoop currently.. hahaha!

Thinking about my patients in the hospital.. Comparing to FSC and community services centre, the patients I see in hospital comes with more varied issues- Financial, emotional, linking elderly and physically challenged people to support services so that they may continue to stay in the community.

I remember Mdm L. She has 2 children- elder daughter i (40s) and younger son (30s). Her elder daughter is married to a abusive husband with 2 children of her own, busy trying to make ends meets on her own. Mdm L's younger son is mentally challenged. Due to Mdm L's frail health, her son had been sent to nursing home. Mdm L suffers from some psychiatric issue but refused to seek treatment. She thinks about dying all the time, but b4 that, she makes sure that she will bring her son along with her. To her, her son cannot live on without her. Although her son expressed wish to live on, he is dependent on Mdm L as his only source of care and love as well. Hence to say to that her son cannot live on without her is true to some extent.

Mdm L tried to kill her son by giving him overdose of his medication. She tried to feed herself overdose of medication as well. We cant verify if the claims are true, but we have to take them seriously. There is nothing she hoped for in life, but she clung on to so many things of the past. The things she held onto are displayed through the clutter of old items in her house. What is she living for? What is she holding on to? She knows she had a knot in her heart, waiting to be untied, but she doesnt know where the key is. I didnt dare to think that I can help her with it because I know her problem is deep seated..

What does Christmas meant for her? It meant absconding from hospital on Christmas eve so that she can go back and check on her house in case her old items get thrown away. It meant visiting her son on Christmas day. Her fears may be irrational. Her ways are seen as stubborn. But her resilience had sustained her till this day, without which she might have give up many years ago. She fought on...

Dear God, I pray for Mdm L that you have mercy on her and give her peace in her heart. You give her the strength to surrender her burdens to you. Dear God, you love her and I pray that she will know that you love her. Pray that she will enter in heaven into eternal rest because her life on earth had been very tough already. Pray against the devil's foothold in her life and ask that you bind the evil one. Your mighty work may be establish in her life despite the rubbles that is currently seen in her life. In Jesus' most victorious name we pray, Amen.

Oswald- Coming to 8months

Oswald is going to be 8months old by Monday! Still feeling very much inexperience as a new parent. The trick that worked yesterday may not worked today and it seems I can hardly fully comprehend my child..

The latest happening that amuses me is his 'crawlathon'. I am not sure how other babies does it, but it seems he crawls really fast! He even had blisters at his foot due to the crawling. Few days ago, he learned how to get into sit up position from his leopard crawl.

Seems that when Sharon (Paul's niece) was a baby, she was apparently very happy with herself when she could perform this new skill. So we were expecting Oswald to clap/smile to himself.. But he did nothing, as if life as usual.. hmmm.. Anyway, we just clapped and cheered him on! But he was still not amused.. anyway...

Occasionally, Oswald will have some new pattern that brings us some clues about his personality. This was taken when he just finished his milk and was kind of just slacking.. I figured out, all guys need some space-out time. N he is especially nice tempered after his milk. So I guessed, hungry man = angry man!!!!! This is quite similar to Paul.. hmm

It was my birthday and I thank God for friends who celebrated with me and sweetened up my day. The day started in pretty sad way, but ended well.

Praise God for friends who understood, listened and gave support. Praise God for them who share the same faith, one God and remained faithful friends through the different seasons in life.

And so, till we meet again in Nov for Callin's birthday and more sharing.. Some how, I am looking forward to each of their weddings and more babies to come to join our SOW group.

Baby and Work

It had not been easy to wake up 5am every morning and bring Oswald to my mum's place. It can get tiring by the middle of the week. But usually one night of sleeping at the early hour of 830pm would be sufficient to sustain till the end of the week.

Weekends could not get me much sleep as well because Oswald is used to waking up around 5plus am. So once he's up, we gotta be up too.

He fell really sick somewhere in the first week of October. It was a terrible week trying to comfort him, coaxing him to drink some milk and forcing him to take his medication. When oral medication could not work we needed to start him on the nebulizer. Thankfully, Paul managed to take time off to care for Oswald. It was a worrying week, literally feeling sick in the stomach. Thank God it was over, but one never know when virus may strike again.

Just find Oswald so cute!!!!!

At the newly renovated Bishan Park... One of our favorite hangouts during the weekends.

Tip of the ice-berg is how I describe my current work. There are just so many things to know and now only doing one small part of the job. Many seniors are already there for 5-6years, some even longer like 10 over years while the most senior already stayed for 30years. Wonder what kind of job could make me give 30years of my life to? Maybe motherhood it is.. But knowing that there are so much more to learn and to do helps me to be more positive about staying long term..

Nice colleagues make my work even more pleasant.. =)

Thankful

Thank God for His grace that sustains my family even as I goes back to work. Oswald is adjusting well to the routine and my mum who is his main caregiver..

I get some time with Oswald in the morning and some time with him in the evening before he sleeps.

Weekends and public holidays are a bliss when we get to spend quality time with him.

Seeing his smiles and hearing his coos delight our hearts.

Btw, Oswald has 3 teeth now, and they are all at the lower gum =) quite a pain to see him struggling to make himself comfortable as his teeth sprout out.

As for weaning, he has tried baby cereal (week 1-2), sweet potato puree (week 3) and green peas puree + baby cereal (week 4). Planning to start on pumpkin this coming weekend.. But got to work this weekend and attends Val's wedding, can only start on Sunday I suppose.

(Oswald happy on his high chair)

(Oswald super happy on his high chair!)

(Feeding him is always a delight bcos he loves to smile when on his high chair)

Work is fine.. jus tt the culture is.. rather hierarchical and full of protocols. Guess, a big org needs protocols and system to be efficient. As all systems, it is imperfect. Complicated and at times illogical.. But well, learning to accept it with grace.

Being in NL has got me off guard for awhile.. am remembering to be on my guard, at least a little bit more.. Also a reminder that Js is not friend with everybody, so I need to be wise in my friendliness too.. I nv know when a serpent may creep up behind me..

I thank God for His provision.. When I see how I can enjoy my public holiday off while many others in the society are working (in order to entertain the rest who dont have to work), I appreciate my work better. Guess, its all about the attitude of thanksgiving..

Thank you my dear God for your sustaining grace..

Back to Work

Starting work tml..

Its another milestone in my life.. As a working mum.. Thank God for His peace that guards my heart and protects me from anxiety.

Have been preparing Oswald for the day I return to work.. 1. Getting him familiar with my parents n Lucas. 2. Travelling with him on the bus to my parents' house. 3. Establishing his sleep and feed routine. 4. Telling him abt my going to work. 5. Helping Paul to be more confident in caring for him so that when I work, Paul can step up on his care for Oswald.

Seems Good! Almost set for tomorrow! =)

Was sharing with some friends that once you have a child, it seems that you are forever pregnant with the child. Even though the child is no longer within you, but your heart and mind are attached to the child permanently. So I know that when I am at work, my mind will somehow be elsewhere with Oswald.

Oswald is into his fifth month and reaching new milestones. Weaning! Exciting new journey!

For one, I am starting to wean him to a bit of rice cereal. I started off with letting him sit in his high chair with just water in the bowl. I also fed him water from the spoon so that he will be familiar with getting food from a spoon.

Reading is the way to learn! Read about 5books on weaning and finally bought one. It is good because it is more chinese style and includes more recipes such as porridge and mee sua. Was collecting recipes from the Net and realised that if I feed Oswald according to that method, he will grow up loving potatoes, pasta and cheese! Hmm, not that its not good, just that I would like him to develop liking for chinese food..

Hours of preparation and finally.. His first meal of semi-solid! I was persuaded that Oswald should be allowed to explore his food with his fingers to be more familiar with them.. So this is how it ended up! Food all over his mouth and his cheeks, as well as food on the highchair tray, bib, hankerchief.. It has not reached the floor but who knows when that will happen! =)

I am keeping a diary of his weaning schedule so that I know when to start him on the different food.. Although I am excited to be able to cook for baby, but I am just a little worried that I might be too tired to do so.. But yet, I guess with a new steamer cum blender coming on the way, this process will be made easier..Plus my interest in cooking should make it much easier =)

Brought Oswald for a picnic at the almost revamped Bishan Park.. V nice place with cool breeze in the evening. Though a short picnic cos the sky was getting dark so fast, but an enjoyable nonetheless.

Oswald really resembles me in this photo..

Snatching sandwich from Daddy

Oswald admiring the kites in the air..

Dear God, I pray that you bind us together with Your Love that we may demonstrate your Love to people around us.. In Jesus name, Amen

Love- No Matter What

No Matter What

Small was feeling grim and grumpy.

"Good grief," said Large. "What is the matter?"

"I'm grim and grumpy," said little Small, "and I dont think you love me at all."

"Oh, Small," said Large, "grumpy or not, I'll always love you, no matter what."

"If I were a grumpy grizzly bear, would you still love me? Would you still care?"

"Of course," said Large. "Bear or not, I'd always love you, no matter what."

"But if I turned into a squishy bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?"

"Of course," said Large. "Bug or not, I'd always love you, no matter what."

"No matter what?" said Small with a smile. "What if I were a crocodile?"

"I'd still hold you close and snug and tight, and tuck you up in bed each night."

"But does love wear out? Does it break or bend? Can you fix it or patch it? Does it mend?"

"With time together, a smile and a kiss, love can be mended with things like this."

"But what about when you're far away? Does your love go too or does it stay?"

"Look up at the stars. They're far, far away. But their light reaches us at the end of each day. It's like this with love-we may be close, we may be far, but out love still surrounds us... wherever we are"

Debi Gliori

A lovely book to assure children of your love for them and to explain the profound meaning of love in a simple way...

My Dearie Oswald

This is my dearie Oswald.. I cant have enough of kissing him day after day. N I think he enjoys me kissing him too! Though I kiss him so hard, and his chubby cheeks are all squashed by my kissing, but he nv protest! haha!! So he enjoys me kissing him... Today I noticed he smiles when I kissed him!

Recently, I experience a very new emotion. N I call it 'Bliss'. There's some element of thankfulness, contentment as well as joy. When Paul and I are playing or spending some quality time with Oswald as a family, there's Bliss. I shared with Paul and he said he experience the same emotion as well. But we both agree that there's no guarantee to the ever lasting presence of Bliss. As quietly as we experienced it, it may slip away silently too. Hence, we agree that we will spend at least our Sunday as family time, to catch up with each other after a week of busy work schedule.

Like I say there are some ingredients of Thankfulness in Bliss. It causes me to open my heart to thank God for His grace. Nothing I do deserves all that He has provided. A comfortable home to stay in, a loving husband to support me, a lovely son for me to love, a soon-to-start meaningful job to enrich my life and most of all, knowing the One who has given me life abundantly. Compared to my past, what I have now is more than I imagine or ask for. N I thank God for His grace.

See how Paul loves Oswald too! Though he makes fun of me kissing Oswald too much, he soon joins me in the new hobby!

Oswald on his playmat.. You see him pulling his rompers with one hand and grabbing the arch bridge with the other. He has mastered the skill of grabbing his dangling toys and often the arch will fall on him when he pulls too hard. He can also grab 2 different toys at the same time with both hands!!nThis strong boy is also inflicting some scratches on us as he is learning to grab things he comes into contact with..

Nevertheless we love him and patiently endure the pain he is causing.. ! haha..!

Dear God, thank you for your amazing grace that knows no bound..

Theories of Babies

Are there theories on babies?? I use to think they are only old wives' tales abt how to handle babies, but some of it are verified in books that I read.

Some elderly told Paul that we should let baby cry at night and ignore his cry. We thought that was extremely cruel. Until we learn more about it. Yes, u need to learn more abt it. We realise that we can ignore baby's cry for attention at night if we can be sure that baby do not need any more night feeding. And the great benefit of is baby will learn to sleep through the night. And it will take only 2-3days for the baby to learn the new skill!! If we carry baby each time they cry for attention, baby will learn to be reliant on you to fall asleep. So to help Oswald learn, we got to toughen ourselves.

It was not easy listening to him cry n controlling our paternal instinct to carry him. Since I could not carry him, I had to cover my ears and pray. Paul's support was helpful that he controlled me from going to baby. After the first night of crying, we transferred Oswald to his own room. Paul and i decided that since i need to go back to work, Oswald need to learn to sleep on his own. So we put him in his own room. It was not easy for the first 2 nights because there was a bit of anxiety and attachment. But since it helped us to sleep so well, we are happy with the decision we made! moreover, his crying reduced over the nights and he eventually learn to sleep on his own!! =)

Went to library to borrow books on baby sleeping problems and solutions, trying to help Oswald to sleep better.. I pray that my mum can follow the sleeping schedule when I go back to work and she as to care for Oswald.. She tends to let Oswald sleep n wake on his own cue, bt tts not so good.. Babies need routine..

Paul always enjoy carrying Oswald after he came back home from work. He claims that baby loves him and like to stick to him, as seen in the picture below.. But i think the reality is that baby just cannot sit firmly and support his back yet.. Anyway, its always a joy to be with Paul and Oswald and play together.

Oswald reached another milestone when he could grab the toy with his fingers and rattle it for some time.. My baby is growing!!

Love u Oswald! Dear Lord, remind me that we are stewards of your precious son..