Busy busy..Emo emo

Busy busy.. I need God's grace.. Talking about seasons in life, this season is so rushy.. Good Friday should be remembering God, not rushing about like this.. But for the sake of the gospel, I am compelled. Only for the sake of God.. Help me O Lord..

Emo emo.. Angry, sad, trying to forgive, extending grace to the offenders.. I nv feel so hurt by gossips before. In Nav, we are a close-knitted community, even if we gossips, we are always encouraged to go back to the person we have issues against. This is what the bible exhorts us to do.

But people dont come to us. They go to others, and in this manner darken the understanding of others and create more misunderstanding. Why not come to us personally and allow us the priviledge to speak for ourselves? Why rely on your own understanding?

Sometimes I can pretend I dont know a thing, it helps me to relate better to others in the office. But at times like this, I just gotta let it out and do some emotional release. Transferring out has not resolved the issue. The damage is done, and what's done remains.. Only by the grace and mercy of God can I choose to let go and forgive. What is the intent of the gossip-monger? For our good?- if that is so, come to us personally (this is what the bible exhorts). For our bad- if so, then I have nothing to say, except may the mercy of God be with you..

But I feel bad for the one who has to endure the gossips for our sake. Ultimately, if we dont get it directly, then someone else has to get it lo.. Gossips gossips.. damaging gossips..

But O Lord, I know my intent.. I know your purpose.. Gossips or no gossips- they are non-essentials.. Focus on the one pursuit.. It clarifies my life, it intensify my energy.. Cannot let my energy dissipate by fighting the little pests.. Jia you Li Jie!!!!!!

Kids without Shepherd

I need to debrief myself for today's program.

There were many kids who came, many demanding attention, many who were rowdy etc.. Actually I dont feel overwhelmed.. I just need to sharpen my skills in knowing how to respond in a shorter time.

But I have the opportunity to impart valuable lessons for them today. Themes on honesty, sportsmanship and teamwork were all part of the debrief.

What is the more important learning point for me is that I find that I grew a little in my understanding of them, which also increases my empathy and hopefully makes me more effective in handling the children.

Really, the kids world are either black or white. That's why they are often very caught up with what is fair and what is not? If things are unfair to their advantage, of course they have no issue with it. But problems come if the situation is unfair to their disadvantage. I use to hate it when they come to me and scream unfairness into my ears. But come to think about it, the world really is unfair at times, but how do I help them to cope with this injustice. Before they know the good Lord, the Judge who rules and is Sovereign, how then can they cope with this sense of injustice in their heart?

"They are harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." I am thankful that I can input a little in their lives and that I may be like a shepherd. Each one of us needs an anchor in our hearts to guide us in our life direction. Without the anchor, we are lost, confused, harrassed, and ultimately purposely. I hope to build up that anchor in them that they may know how to direct their lives.

Restore their hearts Lord. Restore them that they may learn to trust, to take steps of faith in their lives to live their live to the fullness. You have come to give us life and life more abundantly..Thank you Lord

Every child is precious!

The children surprised me today when they were so well-behaved. Normally, they would refuse to leave the computer room when it comes to tea-break time. But today they do not have much difficulty doing that. Best of all is that before they come out, they remember to off the lights and air con, off the computer and the Wii. Of course some things were left undone but I am happy enuff!

I make it a point to remember to praise them! And praise them I did! They were so proud! Normally they would be singled out for mistakes and problems that they create, who would actually praise them? Can you imagine the impact it would have on them?

N this same group of boys actually took out the table and started studying on their own! I nearly fainted from pure delight! haha... I love them..

of course initially they were jsut copying.. But I make it a point to look through what they did. Some I refuse to mark their work because it was jsut copy work. But you know what made them treat their work seriously???? I have to narrate this story... =)

Fan was just copying the answers at the back of the book. I marked a little, told him to re-do some.. That of course didnt help cos he was still copying the 2nd and 3rd time round. What finally made him to be serious was when Danial started reading out the comments at the end of his page (I write a comment for every piece of work they gave me for marking). Maybe something in the comment inspired Fan to finally decide to try.. I was so touched.. I wanted to cry.. And he did try! When he passed me the book, he was so conscious of the mistakes he would make. But at the end I wrote him something and thank him for allowing me to mark him book. I would not see any expression on his face which betray his emotions. But I know that God is working in his heart.

In each of their hearts, God is working. Changing them, molding them, uplifting them... When you are serious with them, they take you seriously.. When you hand onto them, they do not give up on themselves. Sometimes, they depend on your strength to carry on.. They look at your faith in them to have faith in themselves.. God protect them from the evil one..

Every child is precious!

I need God..

I want to commit myself to write down about the children as long as I reflect on anything about them. The more I talk to SH, somehow the more I find that there is so much work to be done. O God, give me your patience and your wisdom.

Ry and Ami seems to be a little hard to receive instructions lately. They seem to want to play and play and unable to do anything else. When they come, they just want to play. Ami have been a little easily upset recently. Need to call his parents. Today I am so reminded that we need to be work in partnership with the parents. Jia works in school and her busy-ness does not give her this privilege to talk so much to the parents. But I am in a position to do so, and I want to do it. To talk to the parents about the children. Really I enjoy talking to the parents! ha!

But today I am also reminded that I need to also interact with other systems who are influences the students such as the schools. Pray that God will open the door for the school to meet up with us and for us to know them. I know this will be so much more effective if we collaborate with one another.

When I think about the amount of improvements that need to be made but I cant really sort them out clearly, I feel frustrated at myself. I want to neaten things out. I want to make it good and better. How should I do it? Oh man, I need divine wisdom and alot of focus. But when I have got other demands that takes up my energy, where else can I summon all those demands?

At the end of the day, the conclusion of the matter is this: I need God.. Love you my Lord..

Masked or unmasked?

To live an authentic life before self and others is an ideal I always pursue.. I try hard to maintain it, at the cost of my privacy. I truly desire to do that.

If I am a little more private, would I have less troubles in my life? If I am a little more guarded, perhaps I can do more without caring so much..

Do I want to hold on to my ideal? What on earth is it for? To live an authentic life before others was for the girls that I helped that they may know me. As I desire to share their lives, I am willing to share my lives with them.

I find that I am shifting again. It feels scary to shift from what I am so familiar with. Yet it feels so tiring to hold on to what I am so familiar with. A sense of responsibility and accountabilty holds me on tightly to what I am doing. Almost breathless, almost to my breaking. But I thought God is my All Sufficient. I should be able to do everything through Him who gives me strength, unless I am doing it wrongly. My Lord, my Lord.. I am at my breaking.. I cannot keep up with all the people you have entrusted to me. I am sorry. I want to pick them up again, yet I find no energy to do so. Or have I lost my focus? Am I too distracted?

Attracted by the glitters and sparkles in life, I find myself too attracted to the new and interesting things in life. As my interest grows (I dont dare to claim that it is passion yet), I fear that my interest will not last that long. I have been in Nav for 13 years. I feel the steam going out. Is it a question of passion? A matter of focus? Or do I just need some rest? What is it about?

What I once thought was my life direction, I think I have shifted. I dont dare to claim anything anymore. I fear to make such proclaimations of my life purpose and vision as it worry that it will reflect how foolish I am when i look back at myself few years down the road.

What can do I do the rest of my life? What does God want for the rest of my life? I long to stay long in a place, but I also fear the prospects of long unfruitful and boring years. Conflict is within me. The desire to commit long term, yet the fear of unfruitfulness. So I fear failure too much to commit?

Many possibilities before me, much doubts within me, past fears haunts me.. But to God I hold onto.. for there is no one else and nothing else...

Mission here or there?

There's adrenaline rush from preparing the Offical Opening. I feel so charged up for work now that I cant really sleep much and cant eat much. You know that feeling you get after you jog and you dont really feel like eating or resting.. haha! I had that kinda feeling.

When i go to office, I feel as if I need to look for work, like "Where is my work? Give me more work!" I realised I really do have a lot of energy. Where do I channel this energy? Perhaps I should really learn to be still again. 1-2months of hectic preparation really expanded my capacity and makes me restless.

I should go into reading, learning, and the so very essential background planning that should be done if I want to see a good job. I need to rechannel my energy. Official opening is over, there are other things that I need to focus on now. Have missed a few BSs, need to catch up too.

Read fr Jia's blog that for the sake of archery, she gave up ministry for awhile. I wonder if I may ever do that at any point in my life? What am I living for? I hope to take a Sabbath fr TNT, and in the meanwhile establish myself in a church, attend courses, give myself even more to the children and clients at my office. Pastor John has been asking me to join his cell grp and church, but it clashes with my commitment in Nav. I thought I would be able to cut down on some TNT commitments, bt I was unable to do so. N there's still the girls whom I want to meet with.. Torn between the many demands.

Sometimes I find my life dissected into 2. Monday-Fri (Care Corner), Sat (TNT), Sunday (Family, personal). I dont like it this way leh. I find it hard to switch mode from CC to TNT during the weekends. Beginning to think that CC is my ministry and my calling. I need to dwell a little more in this b4 I can input any further... its a mindset shift I am experiencing now..

Ultimate rejection of God

昨天感到震惊气愤，今天感到忧伤遗憾。。悲剧往往是可以避免的。

Someone jumped off the building near to my office yesterday. I was with the children at the void deck when the man jumped. A girl came to me and got me to go to the event place and see what happened. I didnt believed her initially cos I didnt hear anything. But I followed her nevertheless and see what it was. A body was lying on the ground. I guess I saw the skull cracked into 2 and some parts of the brain.

My immediate response? To get the children out of the area and call the police. On my way back to get my handphone, I was all alone and that's where I got the time to respond. My hair stand and I was just calling out for Jesus name. There was no prayer, cos I could utter none.

We debrief the children, called the children's parents and ask them to look out for any signs of abnormality from witnessing the incident. The period of time following the incident was to deal with the children who witnessed the event.

They have witness this more than once at least in their neighborhood. So far they are rather alright. God is protecting them. But I pray that God will protect them from hardening their hearts and thus numbing their senses to such violence. Pray for the children to always be sensitive to the rights and wrongs, virtues and violence, beauty and the ugly. Repeated exposure to violence leave scars that numbs people to violence. That's why I felt angry that the children had to be exposed to such violence.

Today, I received a saddening news. The man who jumped was someone I knew. Not that close, but he was rather kind towards me. It was just beyond my mind when I heard the news, I cannot find the way to respond. Was too busy in the office to respond. I am sad, and at times I do feel the tears rising, but they dont come out. I know I need to debrief my process my own feelings, but there is no luxury of time and space yet.

That uncle chose a sad way to end his life. I do not feel that "Oh, we should have reached out to him and this would not have happened." It is too late for such statement. I only feel sad for him. Sad that the devil had succeed in his attempts to rob God of his creation, sad that the devil has capture another soul into his territory, sad that he did not give himself another chance for life- God's abundant life, sad that the children have to witness this...

God, protect those who are living, whose hearts are affected in one way or another- the conscious and the unconscious way. God, your heart must be broken because your creation has chosen to reject your image them. Father, your heart of love is full of mercy and kindness. Show them to the living. Pray for his family that they may see your glory and light.
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living... " Ps 27:13

Little foxes ruin the vineyard...

"Little foxes ruin the vineyard"... People usually make rationale decisions and more or less good decisions when they are the major ones, but its the minor ones that we unconsciously choose that affects us in a way we never imagine.

"little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man." Proverbs 6:10-11

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxest that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Solomon 2:15

Yes over time people tend to slacken, forget the little things.. The truly trustworthy ones are those who are faithful even to the little things. You may beg to differ.. I am alright with it.

When I work with people, I know who I can trust totally and who I should take what they say with only a pinch of salt when I see the way they handle the little things. I am not talking about those super "stingy" people who is so calculative with you to the slighest detail, but in terms of the attitude in which they handle that little things such as washing a cup etc. Maybe my job requires me to wash some cups daily, I know who never does the washing and I know who does it. Am I judging too much? God show me if I am.. I need your wisdom in this...

Anyway, in terms of my job right now, I find that the children do listen to my instructions better. Recently I have been more strict in carrying out quiet-time and time-out with them. And it helps. Cos i get to speak to them personally and find out what the matter. It a privilege that we get while school teachers does not get.

Sometimes I listen to Jia and I empathise both with her and her pupils. They are not easy to handle and she has to rush the curriculum. If there are any disruptive kids, the entire class would be affected and that affects their learning. How I wish she could refer them to us, but her school is too far. As she teaches P1, she plays such a major role in identifying the kids who has special challenges and needs more help. If intervention could be done at their level, what great difference would it make!

Its time to reconnect with NTPS, QTPS again and get them to refer students to us. Students who really need help. I think we can make a difference to the little children sent to us.

If you are sensing something, you are right... I am loving my work. I love the kids. Even though if you see me in the program handling the children, you would not think of me as loving them! haha..

If you know of any little children that needs some kind of special help, and you dont know where to refer them to, let me know. I will try to find out for you. I may or may not be able to help personally, but I can find kind of help is available and possible...

We love because God first loved us.. and Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me...".

My Colleagues

Hey I am putting up pictures of my colleagues... They cant object here and I hope they dont object also la...

These was at Abby's house. And we were having a retreat.. Focus of retreat? Sharing and FOOD!




This was at our Corporate retreat at Desaru.. That night, we were the brightest and we looked like traffic police I think =P But I think the sense of identity created by wearing the same shirt was rather strong...



I must say I learnt a lot in my workplace. The little helpful skills that would carry me thru my life.. Working with different kind of people.. (In Nav, people are more one kind! =P). Learning about working with grassroots and the things that we have to be mindful of, working with clients of different level- children, teens, parents, poor and the rich... Learning to be the designer in office, learning to serve etc etc.. But I must say, I have so much to learn...

I am grateful for how Nav have trained me and how I am using my training in my workplace. And I know that I am stil growing in this new place.. Life is meant to be fruitful...

I wonder and I ponder...

Some things I saw & some people I listened to causes me to wonder and ponder...

- The joy of old couple sitting in the park... & listening to "Numa Numa"!!
- The happiness in a lover's eyes and even while saying goodbye...
- The sacrifice a mother would put in for her child (and maybe the child would not even understand).
- The passion of many who go before me in disciple-making & the sacrifices they make.
- The rational mind of human which causes us to rationalise instead of honestly admitting what we do and our motives.
- The time we spend on MSN instead of working.
- The time when we are suppose to be attending to people yet we are in front of our desk...
- The time we spend on facebook, and other social networks and then we say we have no time for other things. (Btw I am a firm believer of non-facebook/friendster etc. Maybe until I see its purpose one day. But I have nothing against you if you have a facebook k.)

I struggle between what is best and what is alright (neutral). I struggle to tell people what I think is best. If they are wrong, I can tell them, but sometimes, its not something outright wrong, but maybe just not a valid right. haha! Understand me? Its ok, its not meant for the mass understanding anyway...

On a side note, I am fidning my strength and energy back already. I know it cos I find the strength to jog twice a week when previously I dropped to once a week while I was sick. Good health is so much more convenient...